Aries March 21 - April 19
A career quest is building momentum, Darling. The moon meets up with Mars (your cosmic guardian) in your ambitious tenth house. Tap into your drive and take action. The early bird catches the worm! While it’s fine to push people a little, be careful not to strong-arm them. The only downside of Mars is that its energy can be aggressive. Sure, you could win this battle by sheer force but doing so could initiate a cold war.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Bigger, stronger, faster! The Moon-Mars meetup sounds the call for expansion. Without risk there can be no reward, Taurus. Read the directions, get the lay of the land, but accept the fact that you may also make a few mistakes as you stretch and grow. They’re called learning experiences, Bull, but you’ll never have them unless you try something new.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Lust be a lady tonight! The moon syncs up with bawdy Mars in your seductive eighth house and you’re burning hot. While the cat and mouse games are fun, the tigress in you is starting to get impatient. Rather than secretly stalking your prey, the time has come to pounce. This can apply to a business dealing too. Time to put an offer on the table!
Cancer June 21 - July 22
The moon-Mars merger turns up the flame on relationships. Is it getting a little too hot in that kitchen, Cancer? You may realize that a partnership is progressing at a pace you find uncomfortable. Before you turn on your red-painted heel, make sure you aren’t operating on assumptions. Find out what the other person’s expectations of you are. If you’re dealing with a rational person, there should be plenty of room for negotiation.
Leo July 23 - August 22
That moon-Mars merger could make a manic perfectionist out of you. Sure, you want things done “just so,” Leo, but if that means sacrificing a night of sleep or going over your budget, think twice. Who are these people you’re trying to impress anyway? If you work TOO hard at it, you might wind up intimidating them or leaving them feeling as if they can never measure up.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Today, the moon meets up with lusty Mars, taking a relationship from mild to muy picante. You’ll feel uncharacteristically bold yourself today so scrap the Victorian playbook and make the first move. Mars CAN make one come on strong though, so warm things up slowly instead of going for a full-on pounce. This is a stellar day for creative projects too.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Tiger moms, step to the left. With the moon-Mars meetup, you’ll be fiercely protective of the ones you love. Defend your work too! The haters are gonna hate, Libra, but you don’t have to be felled by their criticism. By the same token, consider the source of the feedback before you bare your fangs. A dear friend or family member may have some quality advice for you to consider. This isn’t a teardown, Libra; she has your best interests at heart.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You’re quite the compelling personality, Scorpio as the moon joins energetic Mars in your communication sector. Since people will hang on your every word, use your voice to speak up for a cause. When it comes to debating, no one is taking you down. But retract your stinger if a conversation gets heated. Sure, you could win the award for the snappiest comeback, but your acerbic wit could do major damage to a relationship too.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Money burns a hole in your pocket today, so keep a tight reign over those purse strings. With the moon and lusty Mars aligned in your luxuriating second house, you will be completely helpless in the face of pretty, shiny things. If you can’t resist, save the receipt because this might be one worth returning.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The moon syncs up with aggressive Mars in your sign making you irrepressibly candid. While you’re just speaking passionately, others could misinterpret your energy as confrontational. But there are some situations where a little pushiness is required. If people simply need a nudge (a strong one) don’t back down from your stance. You know that this will benefit them in the end so stick to your guns.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Deep. Breaths. Today’s moon-Mars meetup in your shadowy twelfth house could exacerbate fears. Don’t let your worries send you into a tailspin. Don't be afraid to lean on a logical friend who can help you untangle the complex situation. Stressful Mars can stir up some old wounds. Healing is a process, Aquarius, so if you need to talk about the hurt (yes, again), don’t feel ashamed. Lean on your most compassionate friends, the ones who won’t judge you or tell you to “get over it already.”
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The moon-Mars meetup in your teamwork zone makes group interactions both energizing and aggravating. With the right people, you’ll feel the electric spark of possibility. Gather, think tank style, for a brainstorming session. Then there are the organizations that are falling apart at the seams. Why stick around? You don’t need to “take one for the team.” Opt out, or give yourself tons of space so you don’t absorb their drama.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Burlesque Bitch Horoscopes November 2014
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Focus on the power players, Aries.
Moon-Pluto meet-up sharpens your intuition and helps you make a
well-timed move to advance your career. A helpful man may be involved
in opening this door for you so nurture your connections to the
influential guys in your orbit. Warning: you’ve got some
competition too, coming from an unexpected place. Don’t Tweet your
trade secrets or let any confidential strategies slip to anyone
besides your trusted cabal of confidantes.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The truth is stranger than fiction this
month, so take nothing at surface value. Probing beyond your
assumptions reveals a deeper story. You could lose a few hours
obsessively researching a topic of fascination, or following the
breadcrumb trail to unravel a mystery. Tune in to your gut. When
you’ve cracked the case, you’ll have a knowing feeling that
accompanies all the facts you’ve gathered throughout the day.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Make no assumptions, Gemini. With the
moon and probing Pluto in your house of secrets and mysteries, you’ve
got some sleuthing to do. Dig around for clues, ask strategic
question, get to the bottom of things. A word of warning: your
suspicious mind could find you convicting people before they’ve
been proven guilty. For all you know, they may be perfectly innocent.
Begin your search with an objective stance and be open to discovering
absolutely anything.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’ve got two tickets to paradise,
courtesy of the moon-Pluto meet-up. Of course for you “paradise”
is measured by the quality of your relationships. One connection in
particular grows breathlessly close today. Surrender, Cancer! You may
feel momentarily lost in the “we-ness” of it all, but joining
forces with this person brings depth and beauty to your life, not to
mention, a much-needed sense of security.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
Don’t overdo it, Leo. This month is
about regenerating your body and mind so you can return to high
productivity mode tomorrow. Tap the brakes on a project or
relationship that is outpacing your ability to manage it. Do you need
to delegate an aspect of the work or perhaps scale back the Version
1.0 of your ambitious quest? There’s no shame in revising along the
way, especially if doing so helps you take the idea to inception
quicker.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Is it just a fling or might it be the
real thing? Today’s moon-Pluto meet-up finds you craving a deeper
kind of love. The trouble is you could waste the day trying to turn a
player into a prince instead of keeping your antennae up for a truly
suitable partner. Apply this to your professional life too. Forcing
an alliance just because you’re familiar with someone could prevent
you from finding a far better other half to the equation.
Libra (Sept 23 – October 22)
If you’re considering getting closer
to someone, plan a home visit. The way people live behind closed
doors can be incredibly telling. Are they systematized to Martha
Stewart extremes, complete slobs, or maybe somewhere in the middle?
This certainly will give you an insight into what it would be like to
deal with them on the personal frontier. While you’re at it, what
state is your home in, Libra? The moon-Pluto meet-up sounds the call
for a cleanup.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
Caution: commitment issues ahead. The
ink is barely dry on the contract and you’re already having second
thoughts. It’s natural, Scorpio, but don’t let buyer’s remorse
blind you to the beautiful opportunity you just locked in. There’s
always something smarter, stronger, faster, and more sparkly out
there. So what? You made your choice, now enjoy it. The constant
searching is what’s leaving you feeling disenchanted, not the idea
of settling on a final flavor.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Desperately seeking…validation? All
the compliments in the world can’t fill a hole in one’s soul.
Today, face down your inner McBitchypants send her packing. Your
thoughts create your reality, Sagittarius and it’s time to be nice
to yourself. What would happen if you showered yourself with
encouragement and acknowledgment instead of harping on what’s
wrong? Give it a whirl. You might just see some bleak circumstances
change for the better.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Under pressure! The alignment of the
moon and Pluto puts you in the hotseat. All eyes are on you to
perform and step up to the plate. While you’re a competent
leader—and everyone knows it—have you enabled people to be a
little too dependent on you? Rather than foist yourself further up
the “it’s lonely at the top” ladder, start delegating. The
cooperation of your team will make the shared success more rewarding
for all.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
You may have convinced yourself that
you don’t have feelings about a certain matter—and you’ve done
an impressive job of blocking them too. But a moon-Pluto meet-up
brings you back to a very human place. If you shed some tears,
unleash a primal scream, beat your fists into the mattress, you’re
in no way showing signs of weakness. It’s time to release those
bottled up feelings from your body, Aquarius, for the sake of your
physical health
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20)
Group dynamics intensify today and
you’ll sense an undercurrent of competition bubbling below the
surface. Rather than suppress these power dynamics, bring them out
into the open. Perhaps there’s a better way of dividing up duties
so that no one feels forced to do a job they hate or pushed out of a
role where they feel they can shine. Although the conversation can
get tense here and there, hold a vision of a peaceful and
reinvigorating outcome for all.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
October Horoscopes, Burlesque Bitch
Aries (March 21-April 20)
Fresh start, anyone? The new moon in Libra and your seventh house of relationships helps you turn to new page in your story. New partnerships emerge and you could find yourself dazzled by an attractive opposite. Whether for business, pleasure, or a combo platter of both, keep your mind wide open to new types.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Shimmy into those Spiritual Gangster leggings. With a new moon in your sixth house of healthy living, you might just eschew the party scene for a candlelight yoga class. And this is just the beginning. Feeling grounded and centered is a must for your earthy sign. Your work life gets a boost from this new moon too!
Gemini (May 23-June 20)
Love is in the air! The new moon in Libra and your fifth house of amour accelerates your heartbeat. If currently flying solo, you could meet a promising prospect for the role of your other half. Tinder away, but don’t hide out behind that screen name. The fifth house rules fame and image, so step into the limelight. Your talents and leadership skills will draw attention.
Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Bring on the warm-fuzzies! The new moon in your homespun fourth house turns your attention to your nearest and dearest. As a sentimental Cancer, close friends and family are everything to you. Enjoy a fresh chapter of bonding with the ones you adore. Send out the invites; inflate the air mattress. You could soon be hosting a dear relative or a childhood pal.
Leo (July 21-August 22)
Dream globally, act locally. The new moon in your third house of hometown happenings gets the party started in your ZIP code. Being the zodiac’s ringmaster, this could be your opening to step into the role of community leader. La luna also lights the way to your kindred spirits. If you’ve been in a social slump, those days are over. Refill your fun tanks with your BFFs.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Make it rain! A new moon in Libra kickstarts an economic stimulus plan. Is it time to start circulating your resume or making some Linked In connections? Start searching for more gainful employment or a fresh crop of clients. Freelancing Virgos could land a dream client before the workweek wraps, or make a killer contact at a weekend soiree. Keep those business cards on hand!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Happy cosmic New Year! The new moon in Libra hits the refresh button on your internal browser, clearing away history…or at least helping you to focus on the brighter days ahead. You have the celestial green light to invest in your own self-development, be it a life-changing class, sessions with a supercoach, or a spiritual pilgrimage that nourishes your soul.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
The softer side of Scorpio is peeking through! The new moon in your soulful, compassionate twelfth house tugs on the old heartstrings. Drop your guard and let the feelings flow. The intuitive hits you get on this day could make you feel like a walking psychic hotline. Trust that inner knowing and where it is leading you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Teamwork makes the dream work! The new moon in your eleventh house of community sends your popularity skyward. Dabble in scenes that speak to your soul. This new moon inspires geekery as well. Joint ventures both online and in real time are favored by this new moon so start putting together an enchanted ensemble cast for one of your big ideas.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
The new moon in Libra sets your ambitious tenth house on fire. Your professional ascent is due north, so call forth your inner CEO and spend time mapping out your six month goals. Your strategic plan could be realized by the corresponding full moon, half a year from now.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18)
Hello, jetsetter! Your adventurous side is piqued with the new moon in Libra and your horizon-expanding ninth house. If you’ve forgotten that the world is your oyster, the planets telegraph you a swift reminder to go exploring. This may involve traveling or connecting with someone who lives in another state or continent. A cross-cultural connection close to home could heat up over the coming six months.
Pisces (February 18-March 20)
With the new moon in your eighth house of seduction, you’ll enjoy keeping an air of mystery and illusion about you. But don’t forget: beneath that mystique, you want someone to see you, understand you, and totally adore you. This new moon helps you strike a balance: when you allow yourself to be more transparent and vulnerable, you’ll become MORE magnetic now—at least to the people worth having in your life.
Fresh start, anyone? The new moon in Libra and your seventh house of relationships helps you turn to new page in your story. New partnerships emerge and you could find yourself dazzled by an attractive opposite. Whether for business, pleasure, or a combo platter of both, keep your mind wide open to new types.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Shimmy into those Spiritual Gangster leggings. With a new moon in your sixth house of healthy living, you might just eschew the party scene for a candlelight yoga class. And this is just the beginning. Feeling grounded and centered is a must for your earthy sign. Your work life gets a boost from this new moon too!
Gemini (May 23-June 20)
Love is in the air! The new moon in Libra and your fifth house of amour accelerates your heartbeat. If currently flying solo, you could meet a promising prospect for the role of your other half. Tinder away, but don’t hide out behind that screen name. The fifth house rules fame and image, so step into the limelight. Your talents and leadership skills will draw attention.
Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Bring on the warm-fuzzies! The new moon in your homespun fourth house turns your attention to your nearest and dearest. As a sentimental Cancer, close friends and family are everything to you. Enjoy a fresh chapter of bonding with the ones you adore. Send out the invites; inflate the air mattress. You could soon be hosting a dear relative or a childhood pal.
Leo (July 21-August 22)
Dream globally, act locally. The new moon in your third house of hometown happenings gets the party started in your ZIP code. Being the zodiac’s ringmaster, this could be your opening to step into the role of community leader. La luna also lights the way to your kindred spirits. If you’ve been in a social slump, those days are over. Refill your fun tanks with your BFFs.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Make it rain! A new moon in Libra kickstarts an economic stimulus plan. Is it time to start circulating your resume or making some Linked In connections? Start searching for more gainful employment or a fresh crop of clients. Freelancing Virgos could land a dream client before the workweek wraps, or make a killer contact at a weekend soiree. Keep those business cards on hand!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Happy cosmic New Year! The new moon in Libra hits the refresh button on your internal browser, clearing away history…or at least helping you to focus on the brighter days ahead. You have the celestial green light to invest in your own self-development, be it a life-changing class, sessions with a supercoach, or a spiritual pilgrimage that nourishes your soul.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
The softer side of Scorpio is peeking through! The new moon in your soulful, compassionate twelfth house tugs on the old heartstrings. Drop your guard and let the feelings flow. The intuitive hits you get on this day could make you feel like a walking psychic hotline. Trust that inner knowing and where it is leading you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Teamwork makes the dream work! The new moon in your eleventh house of community sends your popularity skyward. Dabble in scenes that speak to your soul. This new moon inspires geekery as well. Joint ventures both online and in real time are favored by this new moon so start putting together an enchanted ensemble cast for one of your big ideas.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
The new moon in Libra sets your ambitious tenth house on fire. Your professional ascent is due north, so call forth your inner CEO and spend time mapping out your six month goals. Your strategic plan could be realized by the corresponding full moon, half a year from now.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18)
Hello, jetsetter! Your adventurous side is piqued with the new moon in Libra and your horizon-expanding ninth house. If you’ve forgotten that the world is your oyster, the planets telegraph you a swift reminder to go exploring. This may involve traveling or connecting with someone who lives in another state or continent. A cross-cultural connection close to home could heat up over the coming six months.
Pisces (February 18-March 20)
With the new moon in your eighth house of seduction, you’ll enjoy keeping an air of mystery and illusion about you. But don’t forget: beneath that mystique, you want someone to see you, understand you, and totally adore you. This new moon helps you strike a balance: when you allow yourself to be more transparent and vulnerable, you’ll become MORE magnetic now—at least to the people worth having in your life.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
September Horoscopes, Burlesque Bitch
Aries (March 21-April 20)
New status update for this month: It’s Complicated. Lusty Mars aligns with stern Saturn in Scorpio and your erotic eighth house. You’re feeling major chemistry with someone, but rushing to the bedroom could bring regrets. Think beyond the moment, Aries—will other people be upset or adversely affected by this choice? Then again, Saturn’s gravitas can help you turn a sultry fling into the real thing. Be honest with yourself: do you want more from a relationship?
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
This month, a relationship feels very “two steps forward, one step back.” Excitable Mars and take-it-slow Saturn meet in Scorpio and your seventh house of partnerships, bringing a complicated mix of feelings. As eager as you are to move ahead, part of you feels hesitant. Are you talking yourself out of a good thing? While no relationship is perfect, drafting a basic pros and cons list can be helpful in seeing the big picture.
Gemini (May 23-June 20)
Don’t overdo it, Gemini! With excitable Mars in Scorpio and your sixth house of healthy living, part of you feels like you could scale a mountain or squat twenty extra pounds of weight at the gym. But taskmaster Saturn enters the frame too, lining up to the same degree of Scorpio as Mars. Measured progress is the way to go. You don’t want to wind up with an injury or depleting your energy reserves. The same goes for work. Before you volunteer to take on a new assignment, get a clear picture of what this really entails.
Cancer (June 21-July 20)
An undercurrent of competition seeps in this month causing you to amp up your personality and vie for the spotlight. Blame it on rash Mars and ambitious Saturn, both lined up at the same degree of Scorpio in your fifth house of fame. If you have to work that hard to get noticed, you might have the wrong audience, Cancer. Romantically, the Mars-Saturn merger could make you run hot and cold. Be careful not to send mixed signals though. Don’t commit to a person or plan until you feel more clarity.
Leo (July 21-August 22)
Something about your environment could really bug you, Leo, but it will also be hard to put your finger on what that is. Hotheaded Mars and slow-moving Saturn are awkwardly aligned in your zone of home and family all day. A change is definitely in order, but don’t go swinging sledgehammers or making dramatic phone calls in the heat of the moment. Work from a plan, and call in the experts for their wisdom too. From architects to decorators to a family counselor, you want to make sure any changes you initiate produce positive results.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
There’s a time to be cooperative and a time to go your separate ways—at least for a little while. An awkward alignment of rash Mars and stubborn Saturn could find you butting heads with the people you’re closest too—friends, siblings, neighbors, coworkers. If you bend to keep things pleasant, you’ll wind up pissed off and resentful later on. Best bet: agree to disagree and take a time out. A little time and space will do both of you good.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Frugal or fruitful? Tightwad Saturn and adventurous Mars align in Scorpio and your money house—a cosmic odd couple indeed. On the one hand, you’d be wise to count your pennies and think purchases over carefully. But are you being cheap with yourself and others? It takes money to make money, so don’t over-think an investment experience like a workshop or equipment that can help you increase your income in the future.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You want to be seen as powerful, capable and in command—and who can blame you Scorpio? A meetup of fierce Mars and stalwart Saturn makes you a force to be reckoned with. But be careful: this cosmic energy could also cause you to come across as heavy-handed, or borderline “military dictator” if you really get carried away. Leaders lead, but if you want the troops to follow you willingly, make sure you listen to them too.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Wake up! And watch where you’re going, Sagittarius. With buzzy Mars and plodding Saturn aligned in your foggy twelfth house, you need to stay alert. Don’t walk and text or you could faceplant; and pull over if you need to fiddle with your GPS. Better to be safe than sorry—you know you can be clumsy even when you are paying attention. On a positive note, this Mars-Saturn combo could bring a powerful mentor into your world, so don’t be shy if this impresario offers a hand.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
A group you meet this month could really enchant you, Capricorn, but don’t rush to join their entourage. Impatient Mars and take-it-slow Saturn (your ruling planet) are lined up in Scorpio making it hard to get a clear read on anyone. By the same token, don’t stall for too long either. If you keep showing up at events with another crowd,—and enjoying yourself thoroughly to boot—this could be the day where you finally take the plunge and become an official member.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18)
Brace yourself for some frustration. Impetuous Mars and slowpoke Saturn are aligned in your ambitious tenth house making you feel like you have one foot on the gas and the other on the brakes. Although you may feel ready to dive in and get down to business, you could struggle to enlist others in this mission. Perhaps they need a little more convincing, Aquarius, so don’t get discouraged if yes isn’t the first answer you hear. Find out what people’s concerns are so you can speak directly to them.
Pisces (February 18-March 20)
Yes, Pisces, it’s possible to be “too honest”, so think before you blurt. Hotheaded Mars and conservative Saturn are locked in an awkward dance through Scorpio and your call-it-like-I-see-it ninth house. Translation? Your helpful advice could even come across as harsh or mean-spirited. Don’t hit people so hard with that truth hammer. If their actions are giving you pause, start by asking questions instead of making accusations. A travel plan could be stalled by Saturn, or you may have to reconfigure your itinerary if you made it in haste.
New status update for this month: It’s Complicated. Lusty Mars aligns with stern Saturn in Scorpio and your erotic eighth house. You’re feeling major chemistry with someone, but rushing to the bedroom could bring regrets. Think beyond the moment, Aries—will other people be upset or adversely affected by this choice? Then again, Saturn’s gravitas can help you turn a sultry fling into the real thing. Be honest with yourself: do you want more from a relationship?
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
This month, a relationship feels very “two steps forward, one step back.” Excitable Mars and take-it-slow Saturn meet in Scorpio and your seventh house of partnerships, bringing a complicated mix of feelings. As eager as you are to move ahead, part of you feels hesitant. Are you talking yourself out of a good thing? While no relationship is perfect, drafting a basic pros and cons list can be helpful in seeing the big picture.
Gemini (May 23-June 20)
Don’t overdo it, Gemini! With excitable Mars in Scorpio and your sixth house of healthy living, part of you feels like you could scale a mountain or squat twenty extra pounds of weight at the gym. But taskmaster Saturn enters the frame too, lining up to the same degree of Scorpio as Mars. Measured progress is the way to go. You don’t want to wind up with an injury or depleting your energy reserves. The same goes for work. Before you volunteer to take on a new assignment, get a clear picture of what this really entails.
Cancer (June 21-July 20)
An undercurrent of competition seeps in this month causing you to amp up your personality and vie for the spotlight. Blame it on rash Mars and ambitious Saturn, both lined up at the same degree of Scorpio in your fifth house of fame. If you have to work that hard to get noticed, you might have the wrong audience, Cancer. Romantically, the Mars-Saturn merger could make you run hot and cold. Be careful not to send mixed signals though. Don’t commit to a person or plan until you feel more clarity.
Leo (July 21-August 22)
Something about your environment could really bug you, Leo, but it will also be hard to put your finger on what that is. Hotheaded Mars and slow-moving Saturn are awkwardly aligned in your zone of home and family all day. A change is definitely in order, but don’t go swinging sledgehammers or making dramatic phone calls in the heat of the moment. Work from a plan, and call in the experts for their wisdom too. From architects to decorators to a family counselor, you want to make sure any changes you initiate produce positive results.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
There’s a time to be cooperative and a time to go your separate ways—at least for a little while. An awkward alignment of rash Mars and stubborn Saturn could find you butting heads with the people you’re closest too—friends, siblings, neighbors, coworkers. If you bend to keep things pleasant, you’ll wind up pissed off and resentful later on. Best bet: agree to disagree and take a time out. A little time and space will do both of you good.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Frugal or fruitful? Tightwad Saturn and adventurous Mars align in Scorpio and your money house—a cosmic odd couple indeed. On the one hand, you’d be wise to count your pennies and think purchases over carefully. But are you being cheap with yourself and others? It takes money to make money, so don’t over-think an investment experience like a workshop or equipment that can help you increase your income in the future.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You want to be seen as powerful, capable and in command—and who can blame you Scorpio? A meetup of fierce Mars and stalwart Saturn makes you a force to be reckoned with. But be careful: this cosmic energy could also cause you to come across as heavy-handed, or borderline “military dictator” if you really get carried away. Leaders lead, but if you want the troops to follow you willingly, make sure you listen to them too.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Wake up! And watch where you’re going, Sagittarius. With buzzy Mars and plodding Saturn aligned in your foggy twelfth house, you need to stay alert. Don’t walk and text or you could faceplant; and pull over if you need to fiddle with your GPS. Better to be safe than sorry—you know you can be clumsy even when you are paying attention. On a positive note, this Mars-Saturn combo could bring a powerful mentor into your world, so don’t be shy if this impresario offers a hand.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
A group you meet this month could really enchant you, Capricorn, but don’t rush to join their entourage. Impatient Mars and take-it-slow Saturn (your ruling planet) are lined up in Scorpio making it hard to get a clear read on anyone. By the same token, don’t stall for too long either. If you keep showing up at events with another crowd,—and enjoying yourself thoroughly to boot—this could be the day where you finally take the plunge and become an official member.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18)
Brace yourself for some frustration. Impetuous Mars and slowpoke Saturn are aligned in your ambitious tenth house making you feel like you have one foot on the gas and the other on the brakes. Although you may feel ready to dive in and get down to business, you could struggle to enlist others in this mission. Perhaps they need a little more convincing, Aquarius, so don’t get discouraged if yes isn’t the first answer you hear. Find out what people’s concerns are so you can speak directly to them.
Pisces (February 18-March 20)
Yes, Pisces, it’s possible to be “too honest”, so think before you blurt. Hotheaded Mars and conservative Saturn are locked in an awkward dance through Scorpio and your call-it-like-I-see-it ninth house. Translation? Your helpful advice could even come across as harsh or mean-spirited. Don’t hit people so hard with that truth hammer. If their actions are giving you pause, start by asking questions instead of making accusations. A travel plan could be stalled by Saturn, or you may have to reconfigure your itinerary if you made it in haste.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
August Horoscopes, Burlesque Bitch
Aries (March 21-April 20) Romantic
expansion is in the stars too and worldly Jupiter could bring the
sparks with someone from a different culture or corner of the globe.
Attached? What does “the next level” look like for you? From
making babies to creating a business together, dream big with your
boo!
Taurus (April 21-May 21) Thinking about purchasing property? Jupiter’s auspicious energy speeds you to your closing. You could also make a mint in real estate deals too. Women will play a prominent role in your life, particularly one who is living far away. The miles will melt and you’ll feel no distance between you.
Gemini (May 23-June 20) Set up that Sky Miles account. Since Jupiter governs travel, many of you will be shuttling back and forth between two locations more frequently. Perfect, since variety is the spice of your life! A platonic partnership could bring major buzz for you and the other half of the twosome. Bring on the dynamic duos!
Cancer (June 21-July 20) A new job could land in your lap, one that requires you to stretch and learn. Or, you could harness indie Jupiter’s entrepreneurial vibes to start your own business or head up a new division of the company. Money flows in. Just make sure you don’t burn it as fast as you earn it!
Leo (July 21-August 22) Big changes lie ahead, and you’ll be steering the ship. Jupiter is the global explorer and some Leos could even relocate or set up a second home in a distant port of call. Prioritize your passions and let your ambition lead the way.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) Powerful mentors will appear and you might even take a sabbatical to apprentice with one. Get a meditation practice going and tune in to your higher mind. Got something to mourn, heal and release? Jupiter points you to all the right books, teachers and therapists. Like that fabulous snow queen says, “Let it go!”
Libra (September 23-October 22) If you have designs on developing an app or website, call the developers and start planning. You might even crowdfund this project. Your passion for a cause heats up too and there’s no better spokesperson than you. Learning the code on a new piece of software—or a metaphysical subject!— could become an outright obsession now. Bring on the woo!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21) While you’re not always comfortable with so many eyes on you, it will feel great to be recognized for all you’ve accomplished behind the scenes. Men will be the star players in this Jupiter cycle, as will your “friends in high places.” With Jupiter’s entrepreneurial vibes in the mix, 9-5 Scorpios may even be signing their own paychecks soon.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20) You’re in your element now since the ninth house is associated with Sagittarius (the ninth sign). Ready to be “really big in Europe” or take a tour from Barcelona to Helsinki? Long-distance relationships are filled with promise. Look beyond familiar vistas and you’ll find fame and fortune now.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20) Your sexuality bubbles up in surprising ways now too. (Even for you!) With “anything goes” Jupiter in the mix, you might even dabble in the tantric realm or get a little smarter-than-Fifty Shades with your honey. In all areas of life, you’re powerful and magnetic.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18) You’ll be attracted to a new type too: worldly, open-minded people who aren’t afraid to speak their truths. Some could come with an adorable accent too. Keep your mind wide open—not a hard thing for an Aquarius to do!
Pisces (February 18-March 20) Between now and August 11, 2015, you could get into the best shape of your life. Your wellness is your priority in every way. From reducing stress by outsourcing or setting up smarter systems to eliminating toxic energy from your life, Jupiter sends a reminder that you must strap on your own oxygen mask before assisting other passengers of this wild ride we call life.
Taurus (April 21-May 21) Thinking about purchasing property? Jupiter’s auspicious energy speeds you to your closing. You could also make a mint in real estate deals too. Women will play a prominent role in your life, particularly one who is living far away. The miles will melt and you’ll feel no distance between you.
Gemini (May 23-June 20) Set up that Sky Miles account. Since Jupiter governs travel, many of you will be shuttling back and forth between two locations more frequently. Perfect, since variety is the spice of your life! A platonic partnership could bring major buzz for you and the other half of the twosome. Bring on the dynamic duos!
Cancer (June 21-July 20) A new job could land in your lap, one that requires you to stretch and learn. Or, you could harness indie Jupiter’s entrepreneurial vibes to start your own business or head up a new division of the company. Money flows in. Just make sure you don’t burn it as fast as you earn it!
Leo (July 21-August 22) Big changes lie ahead, and you’ll be steering the ship. Jupiter is the global explorer and some Leos could even relocate or set up a second home in a distant port of call. Prioritize your passions and let your ambition lead the way.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) Powerful mentors will appear and you might even take a sabbatical to apprentice with one. Get a meditation practice going and tune in to your higher mind. Got something to mourn, heal and release? Jupiter points you to all the right books, teachers and therapists. Like that fabulous snow queen says, “Let it go!”
Libra (September 23-October 22) If you have designs on developing an app or website, call the developers and start planning. You might even crowdfund this project. Your passion for a cause heats up too and there’s no better spokesperson than you. Learning the code on a new piece of software—or a metaphysical subject!— could become an outright obsession now. Bring on the woo!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21) While you’re not always comfortable with so many eyes on you, it will feel great to be recognized for all you’ve accomplished behind the scenes. Men will be the star players in this Jupiter cycle, as will your “friends in high places.” With Jupiter’s entrepreneurial vibes in the mix, 9-5 Scorpios may even be signing their own paychecks soon.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20) You’re in your element now since the ninth house is associated with Sagittarius (the ninth sign). Ready to be “really big in Europe” or take a tour from Barcelona to Helsinki? Long-distance relationships are filled with promise. Look beyond familiar vistas and you’ll find fame and fortune now.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20) Your sexuality bubbles up in surprising ways now too. (Even for you!) With “anything goes” Jupiter in the mix, you might even dabble in the tantric realm or get a little smarter-than-Fifty Shades with your honey. In all areas of life, you’re powerful and magnetic.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18) You’ll be attracted to a new type too: worldly, open-minded people who aren’t afraid to speak their truths. Some could come with an adorable accent too. Keep your mind wide open—not a hard thing for an Aquarius to do!
Pisces (February 18-March 20) Between now and August 11, 2015, you could get into the best shape of your life. Your wellness is your priority in every way. From reducing stress by outsourcing or setting up smarter systems to eliminating toxic energy from your life, Jupiter sends a reminder that you must strap on your own oxygen mask before assisting other passengers of this wild ride we call life.
July Horoscopes for Burlesque Bitch
Aries (March 21-April 20) The
stars are all a-buzz as Jupiter dances into Leo and your fifth house
of fame, passion and starpower. The next thirteen months are
anything but low-key, not that you've ever been shy about your
spotlight-stealing. Chase your passions! If it tickles your fancy,
tickle it right back.
Taurus (April 21-May 21) Bust out the linens and try to find a matching set of china. Lucky, expansive Jupiter moves into Leo and your domestic fourth house until August 11, 2015. Chateau Taurus becomes the Place To Be. From intimate dinner parties to reunions with long lost relatives, you’ll happily huddle and cuddle with your nearest and dearest.
Gemini (May 23-June 20) Lucky Jupiter switches signs this month, moving into Leo and your front lawn for thirteen whole months! You’ll feel quite in your element now too, and friends come crawling out of the woodwork to fill up your social calendar. This is your time to get noticed for all that hard work.
Cancer (June 21-July 20) Ready to get those crab claws back on solid earth? For the past thirteen months you’ve hosted wild and adventurous Jupiter in your sign. And while it’s been a fascinating ride, the lack of control has taken a toll on your sense of security. This month, Jupiter moves on to Leo for thirteen months, settling into your grounded, productive second house. All the ups and downs of the past year were not for naught.
Leo (July 21-August 22) Are you ready to soar—or should we say, roar? Warm up those wings (and those pipes) because today, lucky Jupiter bursts into Leo for a thirteen-month stay. After a year of wandering without a roadmap, your focus and direction is back. Bust out the GPS and let the reinvention tour begin.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) This month, worldly Jupiter decamps to Leo and your dreamy, flowy twelfth house until August 11, 2015. Finally! The zodiac’s control freak can give that schtick a rest. The next thirteen months are much more about living for the moment, blowing with the wind and letting the universe be your guide. This will be both challenging and enlightening for you.
Libra (September 23-October 22) Team Libra’s about to expand so get ready for some fresh faces. Today, lucky Jupiter switches signs, heading into Leo and your collaborative eleventh house until August 11, 2015. You’re the sign of partnerships; now make it a group thing. Joint ventures are the way to grow for the coming thirteen months.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21) Drop that powersuit off at the dry cleaners and start shopping for a few more. Your career kicks into high gear this month as lucky Jupiter heads into Leo and your success sector until August 11, 2015. Up, up, up the ladder you shall go—and in a very public way at that.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20) Oh the places you will go! Lucky Jupiter—your cosmic ruler—casts a net so wide it could span the world. The red-spotted planet will be parked in Leo and your ninth house of travel, expansion, entrepreneurship and study for thirteen whole months.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20) Skeletons in your closet? It’s time to rattle those bones and set them free. Adventurous Jupiter dives into Leo and your mysterious, seductive eighth house until August 11, 2015. Unlock your chamber of secrets and release any shame you might have.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18) It’s twosome time, Aquarius! This month, ucky Jupiter kicks off a thirteen-month tour through Leo and your seventh house of partnerships. From romance to finance you’re ready to commit—but only if these unions allow your free spirit to soar. Jupiter loves liberation but there’s no reason you can’t feel that with someone by your side.
Pisces (February 18-March 20) You’d better work, Pisces. And no, we’re not talking about RuPaul strutting down the catwalk or a laborious stint in the salt mines. Today, freedom-loving Jupiter decamps to Leo and your sixth house of healthy living, getting you inspired to take great care of your body again. Call up that hottie trainer or renew that yoga pass.
Taurus (April 21-May 21) Bust out the linens and try to find a matching set of china. Lucky, expansive Jupiter moves into Leo and your domestic fourth house until August 11, 2015. Chateau Taurus becomes the Place To Be. From intimate dinner parties to reunions with long lost relatives, you’ll happily huddle and cuddle with your nearest and dearest.
Gemini (May 23-June 20) Lucky Jupiter switches signs this month, moving into Leo and your front lawn for thirteen whole months! You’ll feel quite in your element now too, and friends come crawling out of the woodwork to fill up your social calendar. This is your time to get noticed for all that hard work.
Cancer (June 21-July 20) Ready to get those crab claws back on solid earth? For the past thirteen months you’ve hosted wild and adventurous Jupiter in your sign. And while it’s been a fascinating ride, the lack of control has taken a toll on your sense of security. This month, Jupiter moves on to Leo for thirteen months, settling into your grounded, productive second house. All the ups and downs of the past year were not for naught.
Leo (July 21-August 22) Are you ready to soar—or should we say, roar? Warm up those wings (and those pipes) because today, lucky Jupiter bursts into Leo for a thirteen-month stay. After a year of wandering without a roadmap, your focus and direction is back. Bust out the GPS and let the reinvention tour begin.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) This month, worldly Jupiter decamps to Leo and your dreamy, flowy twelfth house until August 11, 2015. Finally! The zodiac’s control freak can give that schtick a rest. The next thirteen months are much more about living for the moment, blowing with the wind and letting the universe be your guide. This will be both challenging and enlightening for you.
Libra (September 23-October 22) Team Libra’s about to expand so get ready for some fresh faces. Today, lucky Jupiter switches signs, heading into Leo and your collaborative eleventh house until August 11, 2015. You’re the sign of partnerships; now make it a group thing. Joint ventures are the way to grow for the coming thirteen months.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21) Drop that powersuit off at the dry cleaners and start shopping for a few more. Your career kicks into high gear this month as lucky Jupiter heads into Leo and your success sector until August 11, 2015. Up, up, up the ladder you shall go—and in a very public way at that.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20) Oh the places you will go! Lucky Jupiter—your cosmic ruler—casts a net so wide it could span the world. The red-spotted planet will be parked in Leo and your ninth house of travel, expansion, entrepreneurship and study for thirteen whole months.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20) Skeletons in your closet? It’s time to rattle those bones and set them free. Adventurous Jupiter dives into Leo and your mysterious, seductive eighth house until August 11, 2015. Unlock your chamber of secrets and release any shame you might have.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18) It’s twosome time, Aquarius! This month, ucky Jupiter kicks off a thirteen-month tour through Leo and your seventh house of partnerships. From romance to finance you’re ready to commit—but only if these unions allow your free spirit to soar. Jupiter loves liberation but there’s no reason you can’t feel that with someone by your side.
Pisces (February 18-March 20) You’d better work, Pisces. And no, we’re not talking about RuPaul strutting down the catwalk or a laborious stint in the salt mines. Today, freedom-loving Jupiter decamps to Leo and your sixth house of healthy living, getting you inspired to take great care of your body again. Call up that hottie trainer or renew that yoga pass.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
June Horoscopes, BurlesqueBitch.com
Aries (March 21-April 20)
Passion is other people this month. Enjoy attention from the general public, your circle of associates, or that one dirty-sexy standout. Bring on the road trips, rally the relatives, and wrangle your besties. You'll feel happiest in the company of people you know well.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
June's productive planets help you bulldoze through your to-do list. Make a point of tying up loose ends this month. You’ll clear psychic space in the process. With call-it-like-I-see-it Jupiter in the mix, you’ll be especially candid this month. Remember, if you can't say something nice, either hold your tongue, or do something constructive with it.
Gemini (May 23-June 20)
What's the buzzing sound? With Sun and Mars tangled in a tango, your social butterfly wings will be flapping in overtime. Staying in one place for too long has never been your thing, of course. You might opt to fly solo instead of letting those lingering types harsh your buzz and drain your batteries.
Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Are you looking forward to a month of answering to other people’s deadlines and demands? Psh, no thank you! Give yourself a break and go on an unscripted adventure. Take a navigator, a posse, or strike out on your own. No matter who you spend the day with, you can’t help but be yourself. And remember, you're not bossy, you're the boss.
Leo (July 21-August 22)
Spare yourself a meltdown and turn this month's one-on-ones into a group hangout. Indulge in a little social experimentation, you little mad scientist! This month's mantra is “let go so you can grow”. In order to move to the next stage, you have to leave something behind. With the moon and Jupiter aligned in your twelfth house of transitions, you’ll have an easier time saying farewell.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
June's industrious alignment of the ambitious Sun and go-getter Mars makes it hard for you to turn off that productive streak of yours. Don’t fight the feeling. Later this month, bossy moon and expansive Jupiter activate your social networking zone. The more the merrier, luckier, and productive! Find creative ways to loop friends and family in to your plans.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Bring. It. On. June's stars release the safety valve and get you fired up about taking a risk. With the swashbuckling Sun and dashing Mars working in tandem, you are more than ready for some excitement. Do something that makes your heart beat faster. Keep an eye out for red flags, and enjoy the ride!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
The emotional realm is where you shine and this month, people will tap you for your soulful advice. But be fair warned: the role of secret-keeper comes with a weighty responsibility. Don't be afraid to stop the flow of information if knowing the secret puts you in the middle. There are better ways to do that.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Fiery Sun and rowdy Mars remind you that laughter is the best medicine. This is especially true when it comes to your love life. With the moon and your ruling planet Jupiter synced up in your private, intimate eighth house, you’ll prefer the company of a select few—or maybe just one seductive soul. Hang the Do Not Disturb sign and enjoy some uninterrupted bonding/age time.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
The sky is the limit when it comes to love. And with the moon and open-minded Jupiter aligned in your seventh house it’s anyone’s guess who will turn your head. (I just want to fuck Sean Connery's accent.) Your own charms are amplified under this cosmic combo. Forget about being strategic; be authentic instead.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18)
Err on the side of being over the top this month. Better you should apologize for overstepping your bounds than kick yourself for missing out on a golden opportunity. With the moon and robust Jupiter aligned in your well being zone, self-care is the order of the day. Purge your life of junk; junk stuff, junk food, and junk friends.
Pisces (February 18-March 20)
Bless your nest with creative touches this month. Home is where your heart is—and where your best ideas will be hatched. Seductive sun and lusty Mars align this month. A hottie that breaks from type could make you swoon. Spruce up the boudoir the way only you can.
Passion is other people this month. Enjoy attention from the general public, your circle of associates, or that one dirty-sexy standout. Bring on the road trips, rally the relatives, and wrangle your besties. You'll feel happiest in the company of people you know well.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
June's productive planets help you bulldoze through your to-do list. Make a point of tying up loose ends this month. You’ll clear psychic space in the process. With call-it-like-I-see-it Jupiter in the mix, you’ll be especially candid this month. Remember, if you can't say something nice, either hold your tongue, or do something constructive with it.
Gemini (May 23-June 20)
What's the buzzing sound? With Sun and Mars tangled in a tango, your social butterfly wings will be flapping in overtime. Staying in one place for too long has never been your thing, of course. You might opt to fly solo instead of letting those lingering types harsh your buzz and drain your batteries.
Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Are you looking forward to a month of answering to other people’s deadlines and demands? Psh, no thank you! Give yourself a break and go on an unscripted adventure. Take a navigator, a posse, or strike out on your own. No matter who you spend the day with, you can’t help but be yourself. And remember, you're not bossy, you're the boss.
Leo (July 21-August 22)
Spare yourself a meltdown and turn this month's one-on-ones into a group hangout. Indulge in a little social experimentation, you little mad scientist! This month's mantra is “let go so you can grow”. In order to move to the next stage, you have to leave something behind. With the moon and Jupiter aligned in your twelfth house of transitions, you’ll have an easier time saying farewell.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
June's industrious alignment of the ambitious Sun and go-getter Mars makes it hard for you to turn off that productive streak of yours. Don’t fight the feeling. Later this month, bossy moon and expansive Jupiter activate your social networking zone. The more the merrier, luckier, and productive! Find creative ways to loop friends and family in to your plans.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Bring. It. On. June's stars release the safety valve and get you fired up about taking a risk. With the swashbuckling Sun and dashing Mars working in tandem, you are more than ready for some excitement. Do something that makes your heart beat faster. Keep an eye out for red flags, and enjoy the ride!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
The emotional realm is where you shine and this month, people will tap you for your soulful advice. But be fair warned: the role of secret-keeper comes with a weighty responsibility. Don't be afraid to stop the flow of information if knowing the secret puts you in the middle. There are better ways to do that.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Fiery Sun and rowdy Mars remind you that laughter is the best medicine. This is especially true when it comes to your love life. With the moon and your ruling planet Jupiter synced up in your private, intimate eighth house, you’ll prefer the company of a select few—or maybe just one seductive soul. Hang the Do Not Disturb sign and enjoy some uninterrupted bonding/age time.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
The sky is the limit when it comes to love. And with the moon and open-minded Jupiter aligned in your seventh house it’s anyone’s guess who will turn your head. (I just want to fuck Sean Connery's accent.) Your own charms are amplified under this cosmic combo. Forget about being strategic; be authentic instead.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18)
Err on the side of being over the top this month. Better you should apologize for overstepping your bounds than kick yourself for missing out on a golden opportunity. With the moon and robust Jupiter aligned in your well being zone, self-care is the order of the day. Purge your life of junk; junk stuff, junk food, and junk friends.
Pisces (February 18-March 20)
Bless your nest with creative touches this month. Home is where your heart is—and where your best ideas will be hatched. Seductive sun and lusty Mars align this month. A hottie that breaks from type could make you swoon. Spruce up the boudoir the way only you can.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
May Burlesque Bitch Horoscopes
Aries (March 21-April 20)
No one plays hooky better than you, Trixie, but lately you've been keeping that elegant nose to the grindstone. We're all terribly impressed, as always, but don't let you're work ethic get in the way of your stress relief. Vent fabulously, not famously. If you're stuck at home, invite some friends over to share the fun.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Not that anyone is surprised, but you are shining like a star this month. Take that amplified charm and use it, Cutie-pie. Pitch those fantastic ideas at work, float that crazy destination vacation to your friends, or just take the more adventurous route home. Be ready to roll up your sleeves by the end of the month, though. Work demands attention! So does love.
Gemini (May 23-June 20)
This month may begin with you exploring the dreamier side of your imagination, and that could be accomplished by devout procrastination. The scales will shift and spill back into work mode soon enough, and you'll be super productive in order to catch up, and look good doing it. Give attention to an old friend.
Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Queen Elsa rocks the frosty ballgown and you can, too, by letting go this month. Shed unnecessary weight in your life, be it emotional baggage, toxic friends, or fashion disasters taking up space in your closet. Don't feel bad about tossing a bad apple. Feel bad about your aim, Hillary. You throw like a girl!
Leo (July 21-August 22)
Heavy is the head that wears the wig, your Majesty. You've shouldered a lot of responsibility, and this month might find you ready to tag in an acting regent. Don't feel bad about delegating to good people and lightening your load. Teamwork is fun and sharing the glory is still glorious.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Taking a sharp left onto the road less traveled is all fun and games until you have to pick a lane. This month is about discovery, not limitations. You could gain a clear sense of what truly appeals to you. From there, it's up to you, Sweet-cheeks. Family and friends are always worth an investment of time.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Obsession sweeps you away this month with a mystery to solve. Playing detective can consume you, so play it smart and be cool. No one really likes a meddling kid, so snoop carefully, Luvie. The best way to get over something is to sleep on it, of course. Answers have a stupid habit of showing up when you aren't looking.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
When red flags start waving, watch for horns. Your instincts are pretty good, and when someone in your life tickles your spidey senses, it's worth investigating. Be smart, and then be wise. Some “crimes” might not be worth writing someone off for life. Mercy is a way to love, but don't be a chumpette.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Honesty is the best policy with facts, not opinions. Sugarlips, don't you confuse the two, because you got some beastly editorials up in that pretty head of yours. Be certain you are giving facts as truthfully as you know them. Your word is worth something, and you better believe it!
Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
You can be a romantic and a realist, darling. It's all a matter of timing. Enjoy the dreamy parts of this month to their fullest. Just be ready to shed the rose-colored glasses and lace on those stylish yet sensible shoes when the time comes. You might have to practice the quick-change Superwoman style. (Please don't get naked in a phone booth. Not classy.)
Aquarius (January 21-February 18)
Bunny slippers and blanket forts are the norm sometimes, even for the edgiest of Aquarians. Take the time you need this month for homebody self-love. Don't worry. You'll be back up and stomping about like a Glamazon soon enough. If you get stuck in yoga pants, call for back-up. Your friends can help coax you back into the real world.
Pisces (February 18-March 20)
Give as good as you can take, Penelope, because relationships are about reciprocity. You might notice the scales have swung out of balance this month. Make sure you aren't ignoring your friends in the effort to widen your personal network. Take some time to invest in your BFFs.
No one plays hooky better than you, Trixie, but lately you've been keeping that elegant nose to the grindstone. We're all terribly impressed, as always, but don't let you're work ethic get in the way of your stress relief. Vent fabulously, not famously. If you're stuck at home, invite some friends over to share the fun.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Not that anyone is surprised, but you are shining like a star this month. Take that amplified charm and use it, Cutie-pie. Pitch those fantastic ideas at work, float that crazy destination vacation to your friends, or just take the more adventurous route home. Be ready to roll up your sleeves by the end of the month, though. Work demands attention! So does love.
Gemini (May 23-June 20)
This month may begin with you exploring the dreamier side of your imagination, and that could be accomplished by devout procrastination. The scales will shift and spill back into work mode soon enough, and you'll be super productive in order to catch up, and look good doing it. Give attention to an old friend.
Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Queen Elsa rocks the frosty ballgown and you can, too, by letting go this month. Shed unnecessary weight in your life, be it emotional baggage, toxic friends, or fashion disasters taking up space in your closet. Don't feel bad about tossing a bad apple. Feel bad about your aim, Hillary. You throw like a girl!
Leo (July 21-August 22)
Heavy is the head that wears the wig, your Majesty. You've shouldered a lot of responsibility, and this month might find you ready to tag in an acting regent. Don't feel bad about delegating to good people and lightening your load. Teamwork is fun and sharing the glory is still glorious.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Taking a sharp left onto the road less traveled is all fun and games until you have to pick a lane. This month is about discovery, not limitations. You could gain a clear sense of what truly appeals to you. From there, it's up to you, Sweet-cheeks. Family and friends are always worth an investment of time.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Obsession sweeps you away this month with a mystery to solve. Playing detective can consume you, so play it smart and be cool. No one really likes a meddling kid, so snoop carefully, Luvie. The best way to get over something is to sleep on it, of course. Answers have a stupid habit of showing up when you aren't looking.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
When red flags start waving, watch for horns. Your instincts are pretty good, and when someone in your life tickles your spidey senses, it's worth investigating. Be smart, and then be wise. Some “crimes” might not be worth writing someone off for life. Mercy is a way to love, but don't be a chumpette.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Honesty is the best policy with facts, not opinions. Sugarlips, don't you confuse the two, because you got some beastly editorials up in that pretty head of yours. Be certain you are giving facts as truthfully as you know them. Your word is worth something, and you better believe it!
Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
You can be a romantic and a realist, darling. It's all a matter of timing. Enjoy the dreamy parts of this month to their fullest. Just be ready to shed the rose-colored glasses and lace on those stylish yet sensible shoes when the time comes. You might have to practice the quick-change Superwoman style. (Please don't get naked in a phone booth. Not classy.)
Aquarius (January 21-February 18)
Bunny slippers and blanket forts are the norm sometimes, even for the edgiest of Aquarians. Take the time you need this month for homebody self-love. Don't worry. You'll be back up and stomping about like a Glamazon soon enough. If you get stuck in yoga pants, call for back-up. Your friends can help coax you back into the real world.
Pisces (February 18-March 20)
Give as good as you can take, Penelope, because relationships are about reciprocity. You might notice the scales have swung out of balance this month. Make sure you aren't ignoring your friends in the effort to widen your personal network. Take some time to invest in your BFFs.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Belated April Burlesque Bitch Horoscopes
Aries (March 21-April 20)
Your desire for independence could leave you at odds with a loved one this month. Assure your friends you're not dropping them like a sack of unmentionables. It's just time to invest in “me, myself, and I.” Time alone will help you work out any conflicts between head and heart.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Give yourself a gag order, Tanya. You could be alarmingly close to spilling someone else's beans. Sure, it's fun to blab, but you never know who is trustworthy with such delicious deets. Keeping your mouth shut invites other to fill the silence. You could snatch even more juicy tidbits this way.
Gemini (May 23-June 20)
Check in with your team at work to see if there’s more they need from you, Lucille. Some hidden frustration could be revealed. Your willingness to talk it out will dissipate the tension. And it always looks good to ask for ways to rock socks in the workplace.
Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Your clear vision and enthusiasm is inspiring, but you might be reducing your teammates to mere minions. Get your control-freak on and you might wind up finishing this mission alone. It's lonely at the top, and who wants that?
Leo (July 21-August 22)
I hate to break this to you, Kitty, but love does mean having to say you are sorry. A lot! So even if it isn't your place to apologize FIRST, go ahead and take both responsibility and the initiative. Admitting it takes two to tangle a tango instead of pointing acrylic nails will do wonders to mend a relationship.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Keep a notebook handy to track your musings, Penny. Don’t let your practical side shoot down crazy, entrepreneurial ideas. At least not before taking the time to research them. Be creative with the mundane and turn your world to better balance yourself.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
This month finds you amorous and ambitious, but be cautious in approaching love with a cutthroat strategy. Those lady-cajones might kick ass in the workplace, but this kind of surge could short-circuit a relationship. Shred the list of “21 Things I'm Seeking in a Lover” and enjoy the unfolding mystery of a fellow human being.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
That's one fine ass-groove you've settled into. Change your scenery, dollface. Ditch picking up take-out and adventure to a quaint bistro or that hole-in-the-wall you've been meaning to try. Go for a walk, jump in a lake, shake up your routine. If it's really all that bad, at least you can appreciate that couch when you get back.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
You've never been all that great at keeping your pretty mouth shut. Just remember, some secrets aren't meant for a general audience. Let someone else drop the scandal to a slavering audience this month. Better to avoid the tangled gossip grapevine.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
If you’ve tapped your friends for favors one too many times, you could be faced with a tough choice this month; hire someone to help you out or scale back your plans to more manageable state. Movers are worth the investment, and so are friends.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18)
You are a social animal, Goldie. So much so that you might not know how to go solo. Sure, it's great to have a buddy to help with groceries, go to the gym, and hit the new pizza joint alongside. Take a break from the dynamic duo and give the solitary act a try. You might learn more about yourself than you thought.
Pisces (February 18-March 20)
Chill out, Lola. You've got a bright, beautiful bossy streak. Sure, you could strongarm people into giving you your way, but if the end result is a fleet of unhappy “villagers,” you could be setting yourself up for a fall. Stop being stubborn and look for win-wins.
Your desire for independence could leave you at odds with a loved one this month. Assure your friends you're not dropping them like a sack of unmentionables. It's just time to invest in “me, myself, and I.” Time alone will help you work out any conflicts between head and heart.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Give yourself a gag order, Tanya. You could be alarmingly close to spilling someone else's beans. Sure, it's fun to blab, but you never know who is trustworthy with such delicious deets. Keeping your mouth shut invites other to fill the silence. You could snatch even more juicy tidbits this way.
Gemini (May 23-June 20)
Check in with your team at work to see if there’s more they need from you, Lucille. Some hidden frustration could be revealed. Your willingness to talk it out will dissipate the tension. And it always looks good to ask for ways to rock socks in the workplace.
Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Your clear vision and enthusiasm is inspiring, but you might be reducing your teammates to mere minions. Get your control-freak on and you might wind up finishing this mission alone. It's lonely at the top, and who wants that?
Leo (July 21-August 22)
I hate to break this to you, Kitty, but love does mean having to say you are sorry. A lot! So even if it isn't your place to apologize FIRST, go ahead and take both responsibility and the initiative. Admitting it takes two to tangle a tango instead of pointing acrylic nails will do wonders to mend a relationship.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Keep a notebook handy to track your musings, Penny. Don’t let your practical side shoot down crazy, entrepreneurial ideas. At least not before taking the time to research them. Be creative with the mundane and turn your world to better balance yourself.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
This month finds you amorous and ambitious, but be cautious in approaching love with a cutthroat strategy. Those lady-cajones might kick ass in the workplace, but this kind of surge could short-circuit a relationship. Shred the list of “21 Things I'm Seeking in a Lover” and enjoy the unfolding mystery of a fellow human being.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
That's one fine ass-groove you've settled into. Change your scenery, dollface. Ditch picking up take-out and adventure to a quaint bistro or that hole-in-the-wall you've been meaning to try. Go for a walk, jump in a lake, shake up your routine. If it's really all that bad, at least you can appreciate that couch when you get back.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
You've never been all that great at keeping your pretty mouth shut. Just remember, some secrets aren't meant for a general audience. Let someone else drop the scandal to a slavering audience this month. Better to avoid the tangled gossip grapevine.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
If you’ve tapped your friends for favors one too many times, you could be faced with a tough choice this month; hire someone to help you out or scale back your plans to more manageable state. Movers are worth the investment, and so are friends.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18)
You are a social animal, Goldie. So much so that you might not know how to go solo. Sure, it's great to have a buddy to help with groceries, go to the gym, and hit the new pizza joint alongside. Take a break from the dynamic duo and give the solitary act a try. You might learn more about yourself than you thought.
Pisces (February 18-March 20)
Chill out, Lola. You've got a bright, beautiful bossy streak. Sure, you could strongarm people into giving you your way, but if the end result is a fleet of unhappy “villagers,” you could be setting yourself up for a fall. Stop being stubborn and look for win-wins.
Friday, February 28, 2014
March Burlesque Bitch Horoscopes
Aries (March 21-April 20)
Don't be like spring. Spring likes to trail everyone along with promises of warmth and sunshine, and then dumps ice and snow on them. Dick move, Spring. Be yourself this month, and let your decisions come from calm places inside you. Lacking those, find someone calm and talk to them.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Professional decisions should not be made in an emotional headspace, Tina. Favoritism may figure in to your choices, and leave you stuck with a sub-par subordinate with merely fantastic hair. A proven track record is always a plus. Ping a pal from your past to participate in puzzling problems.
Gemini (May 23-June 20)
Open mouth, insert Capezio! While your prophecies might be right on the money, it’s your delivery that determines everything, (also lighting.) Put yourself in other people’s shabby shoes before you fire off a zinger. Be compassionate, so your important message won't get lost in delivery.
Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Don't make me break out the rubber bands, Crabcakes! When you get snippy, it's everyone else who feels the pinch. If you need space, be honest about it. Once you've had a nice steam, an evening with you is always delicious.
Leo (July 21-August 22)
You've been ruminating about the one, (or ones, or dozens,) that got away. If you're agonizing over texting the ex, just remember why you are apart. Because the minute you hit that send button, it's going to all come crashing back. A friend in need needs your attention this month. Cultivate good shoulder pads.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Mistakes are easy to make this month. Take the time to double-check important things, like company-wide emails or that sext to your old flame. Grammar flubs are one thing, but flawed logic is another. Make a last-minute read-through a must before putting your name and timestamp on something stupid.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Haters gonna hate, Wanda. Don't them them hate all over your parade. It takes guts to be the happy one in the room. Strut and love it! Romance take some complicated turns. Trust issues are worth exploring before they explode.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Perception is reality, Lucy, and it’s up to you to decide how the month is going to shape up. Someone gave you a free pass one when you didn't deserve it. Be the bigger, better woman. Your heart distracts easily. Beware of shiny, handsome, useful things.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Creating that elusive image of style and grace will work to your advantage. Think more along the lines of Lady Kate rather than Katy Perry. I know it isn't nearly as fun, but there will be plenty of time for risque business once the press pulls away.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20
Brevity is the soul of wit, Mallory. Check those flowery metaphors, gory details, and arduous, blow-by-blow recounts at the door. KISS your problems hard, and don't be afraid to give them a good tongue lashing.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18)
Questions about where your life is going leave you digging through your past for ideas. It can be encouraging to flip through old photo albums or parse through those bags of old clothes in your basement today to make an old (and golden) version of you new again.
Pisces (February 18-March 20)
Information overload! Pushing yourself any farther could lead to a meltdown. Take time to integrate, process, and form your own thoughts about your situation. Or, put that matter in the parking lot for the day and give your brain a rest! Family can offer a touchstone for self.
Don't be like spring. Spring likes to trail everyone along with promises of warmth and sunshine, and then dumps ice and snow on them. Dick move, Spring. Be yourself this month, and let your decisions come from calm places inside you. Lacking those, find someone calm and talk to them.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Professional decisions should not be made in an emotional headspace, Tina. Favoritism may figure in to your choices, and leave you stuck with a sub-par subordinate with merely fantastic hair. A proven track record is always a plus. Ping a pal from your past to participate in puzzling problems.
Gemini (May 23-June 20)
Open mouth, insert Capezio! While your prophecies might be right on the money, it’s your delivery that determines everything, (also lighting.) Put yourself in other people’s shabby shoes before you fire off a zinger. Be compassionate, so your important message won't get lost in delivery.
Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Don't make me break out the rubber bands, Crabcakes! When you get snippy, it's everyone else who feels the pinch. If you need space, be honest about it. Once you've had a nice steam, an evening with you is always delicious.
Leo (July 21-August 22)
You've been ruminating about the one, (or ones, or dozens,) that got away. If you're agonizing over texting the ex, just remember why you are apart. Because the minute you hit that send button, it's going to all come crashing back. A friend in need needs your attention this month. Cultivate good shoulder pads.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Mistakes are easy to make this month. Take the time to double-check important things, like company-wide emails or that sext to your old flame. Grammar flubs are one thing, but flawed logic is another. Make a last-minute read-through a must before putting your name and timestamp on something stupid.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Haters gonna hate, Wanda. Don't them them hate all over your parade. It takes guts to be the happy one in the room. Strut and love it! Romance take some complicated turns. Trust issues are worth exploring before they explode.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Perception is reality, Lucy, and it’s up to you to decide how the month is going to shape up. Someone gave you a free pass one when you didn't deserve it. Be the bigger, better woman. Your heart distracts easily. Beware of shiny, handsome, useful things.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Creating that elusive image of style and grace will work to your advantage. Think more along the lines of Lady Kate rather than Katy Perry. I know it isn't nearly as fun, but there will be plenty of time for risque business once the press pulls away.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20
Brevity is the soul of wit, Mallory. Check those flowery metaphors, gory details, and arduous, blow-by-blow recounts at the door. KISS your problems hard, and don't be afraid to give them a good tongue lashing.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18)
Questions about where your life is going leave you digging through your past for ideas. It can be encouraging to flip through old photo albums or parse through those bags of old clothes in your basement today to make an old (and golden) version of you new again.
Pisces (February 18-March 20)
Information overload! Pushing yourself any farther could lead to a meltdown. Take time to integrate, process, and form your own thoughts about your situation. Or, put that matter in the parking lot for the day and give your brain a rest! Family can offer a touchstone for self.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
February Burlesque Bitch Horoscopes
Aries
(March 21-April 20)
Silver
tongue and golden heart
Not
always wise enough apart
Think
before you speak, my sweet
Else
toes to ankles you will eat
Taurus
(April 21-May 21)
Small
successes greatly please
Put your
heart and soul at ease
Family
time spent most wise
Sudden
news won't surprise
Gemini
(May 23-June 20)
A
cancellation frees your night
Kick up
your heels, steal the spotlight
Virgo
offers wisdom great
Good
news comes, a little late
Cancer
(June 21-July 20)
Though a
tough decision blocks your way
What's
in your heart is right today
Give an
Aries a second chance
To make
attempts to breech your pants
Leo
(July 21-August 22)
Mean
what you say and say what you mean
It may
be time for a change of scene
Get out
of town, or just out of your clothes
Gemini
keeps you on your toes
Virgo
(August 23-September 22)
Laugh at
the hard parts, cry if you need
Strut
through the red tape to succeed.
Your
sweetie needs time with you to play
Leo and
Libra add fun to your day
Libra
(September 23-October 22)
Consider
how big change affects your dreams
Everything
is not always as it seems
A friend
needs your understanding care
Even if
she's a total bitch before you can get there
Scorpio
(October 23-November 21)
Your
opinions need voice this month, dear
An
unfair situation requires wisdom here
Don't
give in to a restless mood
Kick
back and find a hottie who talks lewd
Sagittarius
(November 22-December 20)
Your
goals should be challenging yet fair
It may
take some time to move here to there
Be
patient with family, with Aries, and all
Then
wrap yourself around something dark and tall
Capricorn
(December 21-January 20)
A
strange dreams hides what you already know
It's
time to step in, take a stand, grow
Find
focus through art, chase your zen
Forces
are moving here beyond your ken
Aquarius
(January 21-February 18)
Dive in
to that project you've been ignoring
You'll
find it easier, though no less boring
Keep an
open mind with family spats
Don't
forget how much you love those brats
Pisces
(February 18-March 20)
Pop
out of the box to solve a problem at work
Show
it off to the boss, despite being a jerk
A
bittersweet farewell will leave you blue
Positive
thinking and love leads you true
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