January 2014 Horoscpes for Burlesque Bitch

Aries (March 21-April 20) The HOA may say all Christmas decorations have to come down by January 1, but that's no reason to be spiteful and leave them up until St. Patty's. Do some house and heart cleaning. Clear out old trappings and sweep up whatever the cat knocked under the couch. Lovingly remove those reminders of holidays and lovers past, and stash them in the closet with the rest of your skeletons. You are going to need room to live in this year.



Taurus (April 21-May 21) While you are constantly redefining your gorgeous self, there are parts of your personality that are undeniably, unchangeably, YOU. Don't go against that nature this month. You know who you really are, and even when that strength of character is challenged this month, don't compromise your innate youness. Your closest friends will be good touchstones in case you lose your way.



Gemini (May 23-June 20) Keep those tap shoes shined, because you are going to be dancing up a shuffling storm this month. Don't let surprises throw you off your rhythm, but if you do, just improvise. You know how to keep this dance that is life going. Work and play will both keep you on your toes, but don't fret. Your mostly graceful efforts won't go unnoticed.



Cancer (June 21-July 20) As if you didn't have it up to your false eyelashes with family last month, prepare yourself for round two. Don't let your emotions get the better of you. Dramatic outbursts with wire hangers are for silver screen divas, and don't really play well on a home theater. You'll be riding high when it comes to romance, though. An evening with a good friend could turn out to be much more.



Leo (July 21-August 22) Pretty kitty, your pride may get you in trouble with a co-worker this month. But your vice is your virtue, and as long as you don't make the situation worse by trying to control it, you should be fine. Romantic efforts finally pay off. Again, don't rush in and try to control everything. Take your time and enjoy how it plays out.



Virgo (August 23-September 22) Keeping afloat in front of a crowd is different than trying survive swimming through it. You'll have to fight that fear of the walking dudes in order to claim a work spot light. But your organization and perfectionism will pull you through with flying colors. If you get in a snit with your beloved, be forgiving to both sides.



Libra (September 23-October 22) Time to shimmy into that purple space bunny suit and play counselor. (Start Trek? Deanna Troi? Is this thing on?) Your ability to be a good listener will be in high demand this month, and your pleasant nature will help good advice flow. A spat with someone special gets you down, but positivity, even delayed, wins the day.



Scorpio (October 23-November 21) Baby, I don't know what you've been doing to the grindstone, but your determination puts you at the top of the list for honors in the workplace. No kidding, the higher-ups finally recognize all that time, effort, and talent you put in every day. While revealing your true feelings is against your nature, my little stinger, don't be shy when it comes to romance. Those feelings will be reciprocated.



Sagittarius (November 22-December 20) A spilled secret challenges the way you see your family and your past. Whether a big surprise or an open secret, don't let your temper flare. Being calm provides a position of strength from which to act, and you may need to. Optimism pays off when it comes to romance. That special someone finally makes a move!



Capricorn (December 21-January 20) The new year affords a chance to get ahead at work. When offered a chance to take a commanding role, just remember that you are up to the challenge. You can be a stubborn jerk sometimes, but don't let that side of you take control when it comes to friends. You can have a good time even it it wasn't all your own idea.



Aquarius (January 21-February 18) Your inalienable sense of realism serves you well this month in many areas of your life. You don't overreact to a surprise at work, which makes you a pillar of strength for your co-workers. As for your love life, there is one step to take next. Just one. Think about it.



Pisces (February 18-March 20) You are your own worst critic, little fishy. Scale it back, love, and don't let those feelings of self-doubt keep you from reaching your goals. Believe in yourself! And if you don't? Fake it. A realistic look at finances helps plan for the future. Pay attention to all those little details, in case no one else is watching.

December Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 20) Just like tweezing your eyebrows and buckling your Mary Janes, patience takes practice. It's okay to so the same thing over and over. I hear they call it a work ethic. This month, it's time to meet new people. A Sagittarian makes you a friendly offer you just can't refuse.

Taurus (April 21-May 21) All work and no play sucks donkey butt. You've been breaking your back, so it's time to cash in on time off. Use this month to plan a special trip away from your normal reality. No. Worries. Work will be here when you get back.

Gemini (May 23-June 20) If the old ways aren't making life any better, then it's time to try something new. Throw out the old budgets and balances and find a way that works for you. Take an account of dollar migration. Those pesky pennies are worth pernicious pinching.

Cancer (June 21-July 20) This month it's worth looking at your time as an asset, not a tank of gas to be reduced to empty. Take care of yourself and don't be afraid to arrange for downtime. Romance glimmers on the horizon, but don't rush the sunrise. Love will take its own damn time.

Leo (July 21-August 22) That pretty mouth of yours just can't seem to stop. I dare you to put your lips together and listen to something other than the sound of your own lovely voice just for a while. You'll be surprised at what is whispering around you. A Gemini comes to you for career advice. Be honest.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) You are more than your job and obligations. Remember that this month as shit goes cray-cray. Plan ahead to give yourself wonderful adventures to look forward to. A new romance looks promising.

Libra (September 23-October 22) Slow down, dolly! You are trying way too hard at way too many things. There is time for everything, even relaxing. Weekends are good for romance, but don't get swept away from yourself. Coming back down to Earth on Monday can be a rough landing.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) Heading the wrong way down the romance highway? Time to pull a U-turn and hit the gas. This can change this month, but it's up to you to put the legwork in. But you've got the gams for it, sweetheart!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 20) Chills and blues season is upon us, so invest in taking very good care of yourself. Make healthy choices, put yourself first, and don't let the bastards keep you down. Someone special wants to meet you this month.

Capricorn (December 21-January 20) Are you busting your butt to please an impossible boss? Stop. Your butt has better things to do. Don't take any aggravation home with you, either. If Boss is a Taurus, beware the meddling! Know when to draw the line and stand by it.

Aquarius (January 21-February 18) Your fickleness can drive your crazy if you let it. Figure out what you really want. Trying new things has never been your problem. Actually picking one and sticking with it? That's something you can work on this month.

Pisces (February 18-March 20) If you feel like you’re just going through the motions in romance, bring your heart back into the picture. When you’re hit with some serious relationship questions, think before you answer. Honesty and sincerity are the only ways to obtain the closeness you so desire. Weigh your options carefully.