AI

There are days it would be better to be a robot.

Like today, or rather the last three days.  A titanium digestive system with a schedule of required nutrients to maintain functions would make this whole eating thing a lot simpler and less distracting.  No more random purges, nausea, perpetual ache.  Certainly no more cinematic diarrhea.  Scheduled work hours would not be missed.  Mornings could pass in peaceful sleep-mode, instead of bent one way or t'other over the toilet.  No more obnoxious, circular discussions about where to eat, or the annoying grumblings of an empty stomach during bouts of creativity. 

Oh, but the robotic benefit does not stop at gastrointestinal issues.  Consider the improvements of no longer suffering from the sieve-like qualities of poor short-term memory, or buffering the integrity of long-term memories, effective sorting and recall, even quarantining bad memories.  And let us not forget the casual improvements of augmented hearing and vision, all of which are suffering in the current state of being made of meat.

Emotional reasoning and balance are no long an issue when one is a robot.  Observations are made, noted, stored, appreciated at proper intervals, but associated emotions clinging tertiary to information retrieval and analysis are swept away.  There is no guilt or shame in not having an emotional reaction to unsettling events.

Today is a good day to be a robot.  I wouldn't be sick.  I wouldn't be sad.  And I wouldn't mind that the news about the horrible shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School isn't rocking me to my core or setting me to weeping or raging.  Because I would be a robot.  And I wouldn't feel a thing about not feeling a thing.

December Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 20) Wintry weather and cold shoulders can't hip-check you off your cause. True believers don't balk at a little logic! But do take a second look when someone asks you to sign on a dotted line. If that Leo in your life gives your tail a lift, think about switching to a salmon-based perfume and lead kitty by the nose. Big cats aren't so good with collars, but this one could follow you anywhere.


Taurus (April 21-May 21) Be mindful of the worthiness of those who keep your secrets. Also, keep an umbrella handy, or maybe a life-raft. I'm seeing a moist future for you, darling. Strap yourself up smartly, because the spotlight is on you to make the changes you want to see in your workplace. Sneak a peek at your 'box, just in case some-yum-one long ago wants to get in touch. You keep your standards high, even for favorite flavors.


Gemini (May 23-June 20) Other Geminis are loads of fun, but keep the twins wrangled for now. If you have a say in important matters, don't pass on the mic, even if you feel your position is obvious. We all enjoy a vicarious fantasy story, but dig your heels in at getting someone else's kicks. Live your own life, and you will shine.


Cancer (June 21-July 20) Playing house means sharing responsibility, Martha. You don't have to give up the crown, but it's time to rule by assembly. A more peaceful and smooth-running homestead could emerge from your noble, regal, and stylishly wrought changes. And you do make such a fine figurehead.


Leo (July 21-August 22) Calculate your excesses and plan your indulgence. There is nothing more embarrassing than missing a call from your boss on your cellphone because of the Sexy Times app, trust me. Good working relationships take time to grow, no matter how green the grass looks elsewhere. Set traps for free time and use it for naps or restful activities. Your social life could wear you out otherwise.


Virgo (August 23-September 22) The only one who can stop you this month is yourself. You are so hot right now, your S.O. needs to wear oven mitts. In the words of RuPaul, “Don't fuck it up.” Laziness and poor work habits are your enemies right now. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself focused and on-task. Also, keep your phone and cape handy. Someone is going to call on you for a rescue.


Libra (September 23-October 22) The holidays tend to be a pressure cooker for you, dollface. Do yourself a solid and take a day or three to let off some steam before your 'taters dissolve. Make sure important folk see you being responsible with your excesses, not just your backside as you sashay out of the office. Romance is lackluster this month, so you'll have to surprise yourself for Christmas.


Scorpio (October 23-November 21) That handsome stray Leo in your back yard is free to a good home, so make the real changes you need to welcome kitty into your life. Take advantage of all the resources in your workplace and stay fully abreast of new information. Yes, I said get on top of things. But otherwise, practice a holiday of moderation for the sake of your health and your heart.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 20) When collecting on an old debt, consider taking the chance to pay down one of your own. There are a few younger people in your life who could benefit from your insight and experience, but don't fret if they refuse it. Sweet romance lights a candle in the darkness, but do yourself a favor and hit the lights before you start relying on it.


Capricorn (December 21-January 20) You have a lot a reasons to smile coming up. Keep that grin plastered on during the difficult parts, and you've got this month in the bag. Your steady hand in current affairs keeps a sticky situation from getting tacky. But if you feel your awesome flagging, get to a handsome doctor right away.


Aquarius (January 21-February 18) You have fine talents in accepting the fact life flings crazy shit your way, but you might want to polish your grace up to serenity-level sparkle. Someone worth impressing will notice. Compromise and patience will make most difficulties this month untangle. Don't diagnose the health issues of others until you've got some licensing, even if you play a doctor on TV.


Pisces (February 18-March 20) You should always be honest, especially with your family. But you can be naughty and nice this month. Shower compliments and genuine praise before you drop any real wisdom. Keep your secrets to yourself, but don't embrace vagaries in romance. You might have to pump your S.O. for the good stuff, though.

The F Word

Here's the thing about turning thirty; you finally notice how your dreams have failed you.

Thanks to Japan's anything-goes, syncretic attitude towards religion, watching your gods collapse into ashes doesn't have the harsh, organs-bleeding impact upon one's psyche you would expect. We worship concepts, institutions based on the idea of tradition, order. It doesn't matter why we embrace the roles made for us, as long as we do. That kind of thinking survives atomic bombs.

At some point in the future, I'm supposed to save the human race from extinction, rule to planet as queen, and give birth to a daughter who will inherit the name and mantle of Serenity as I did. My role is written for me, for her, for the world.  And it wasn't until I came back to Japan that I realized had given up.

From what I've been told by various other women on the internet, it's harder to be a foreigner in Japan than Japanese in a foreign nation. Japanese culturally despise uncertainty, and unless you find yourself in a major city like Tokyo, chances are no one will take the risk in being confused by your crazy customs and dialect. Of course, most large cities invite an international community. I loved Montreal, where I could live comfortably among a large crowd of different ethnicity. But in the Swedish countryside, I was a distinct minority.

I miss being Japanese. The few Japanese magazines I get remind me of home. Whenever Mamoru and I visit our other expat friends, I act Japanese again. The switch turns in my head, and I think in Japanese. When we leave, the switch clicks back to English. The gently polite flight attendant reminds me to turn off my laptop for take-off, apologetic as if afraid I would be embarrassed at having forgotten such a thing. I'm in Japan before we even clear the tarmac.

But I'm ever the outsider once I arrive. I wear my international taint like a stain. Purity is a big deal here, and I somehow popped my Japanese cherry when I chased the role fate designed for me and got married the moment I turned eighteen, and then promptly left the country with my husband.

No one has forgiven me for that.

Whorescopes November 2012

Aries (March 21-April 20) Those stems of yours took time to grow into ripeness. Now is a time to plant a few wet ones and bide your time. In the meantime, pick weeds and battles carefully, keep that civil tongue in your pretty little mouth, and watch. Yes, it's boring as hell, but trust me. You'll have a chance to go from temper to tempter soon enough.

Taurus (April 21-May 21) This month, try not to spread your buttery goodness too thin. Sure, everyone wants a taste, but not everyone deserves you. Prioritize that zany social schedule of yours into the top five and shake out the rest. There is a mentor out there in your life who can teach you a few tricks new to you, and open up a more lucrative social network. Good thing you penned in so much down time.

Gemini (May 23-June 20) Don't spend your hard earned money on that rather expensive purchase until you're sure you have enough Benjamins stuffed in your bra. If you can't fold and tuck it, don't blow it. While squaring away your financial future, consider throwing in with your community and using your personal talents and power for good.

Cancer (June 21-July 20) Unless you're kicking it in the southwest with the rest of the winners, life is probably getting colder in those stockings. And while you have real talent in keeping all kinds of loved ones warm and toasty, you might want to keep a muff for yourself while you transition into full-chill winter. Check the mail. Wear your hat! Something important is blowing in.

Leo (July 21-August 22) Practice moderation, in moderation. Even Buddhist monks go out and get trashed every once in a while. That surprise money you found should be socked away for a rainy day, but you do deserve to indulge yourself every once in a while, just to keep those creative juices flowing. Keep yourself in reserve for that new romance, though. Let your sweetie work up a sweat on your behalf.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) If Frankenstorm didn't muck up your vacation, you should still draw up a fun Plan B for your next outing. Keep your monies tucked in your cups and don't spare change unless the payoff is good for you right now, or for future self-improvements. As always, be ready to make a good first impression.

Libra (September 23-October 22) Job satisfaction can be a heady draught, Stella. Take comfort that wise observers notice the quality of your work, and don't be drawn into disputes over taking credit. There will be haters and those who try to steal your spotlight. But this is your show. Those who keep their heads about them offer good advice, so take heed.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) Style breeds gossip, and you tend to trend in both. Bring your shaker, because the tales you'll be told need a few grains of salt. When it comes to sordid tales about your loved ones, talk to your sweetie and ask for an explanation before you unleash your wrath. Make honesty your policy in your work, especially when it's easier not to.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 20) Juggle your days a little and take some time off to yourself. That big future of yours needs some careful reexamination. Change is never easy, often painful, but never so much as when it's too late. While thinking things over, take yourself off the market. You can always rekindle that banked romance later.

Capricorn (December 21-January 20) You have a chance to dance your way to a greater stage. Give that series of moves some thought, and don't forget all the people you work with now. If a good answer can't be found, talk to someone with some experience in big changes and seek advice. Old flames might flicker now and again, and could be worth the distraction.

Aquarius (January 21-February 18) Your love life can race the autobahn this month, which means exhilaration, speed, and terror. Keep a tight hold on the “oh shit” bar and that ride will take you to fancy new places. Others will covet your glamor and poise, but don't be threatened by them. They're just jealous.

Pisces (February 18-March 20) No one likes homework. When the job comes home too often, you can find yourself in a stressful mess. Keep your boundaries clearly defined for a while. If someone steps all over your marks, be gentle with them. You might win yourself a strong friend and ally just for being cool.

Whorescopes October 2012

Aries (March 21-April 20) It's time to (don appropriate footwear,) kick some tires and light some fires! October is a good month for burning, and you're a foxy firebrand dancing through fields of autumn cane. Puff-puff-pass, baby! It's time to share your blaze. Your closest and most intimates deserve to know how your heart burns for them. Trust those who tend the fires for you, and they won't let you fail. While conditions are ripe for wildfire, remember that storms can come up out of nowhere. Make sure you drop your sparks before that happens, or it's going to be soggy underwear and cold coffee for the rest of the trip.

Taurus (April 21-May 21) Plan on dusting off the old cricket bat and coming up with a kicky, new safe word. Because it's time to get out of the driver's seat, bend over the couch, and let serendipity happen to you. Be a leaf on the wind. Gusty travel and lusty romance await, but you'll have to sit bitch to enjoy it all. That which yields is not always weak. But, you don't have to be passive in everything. Tackle your monthly budget and see if you can smack it into giving up a few more dollars to save.

Gemini (May 23-June 20) Bust out the spandex, slip into some leg warmers and keep that bottle of Spray Net handy. It's time for your 80's training montage. But instead of just breaking another Thighmaster, you need to build up your emotional strength and spiritual stamina. Zen reps. Drop and give me 20 sutras! You've got ten rounds to go against a potential life-changer, and the fight at the end of this movie could reshape the franchise.

Cancer (June 21-July 20) You've got a mystery to solve, Nancy, and it's not about the password at Larkspur Lane (struggle buggy,) the Ringmaster's secret (gaaayyy,) or some old cock. Just like every Christopher Moore book, the ending is never as good as the rest of the story. Keep focus on communication instead. Don't let any one take the words out of your mouth, no matter the quality of tonguemanship. Speak for yourself and maintain your commitments. You are the best at keeping your rep perky, so do it!

Leo (July 21-August 22) This time, windfall won't mean an errant breeze blowing your skirt up over your head and your panties dropping in embarrassment. Finances will be changing in your favor this month, but not without scrutiny. Like dressing for date with your sugar daddy, translucency will win you the day. Be honest and honorable and you will have nothing to lose. It doesn't say doormat on your forehead. Use that lovely voice of yours when personal matters come up.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) Everyone wants to be in your orbit, Stella. But this month, one of those darlings in the crowd is going to be very important for you. It's not every day you meet someone who has keys to that door. Speak your mind and strut despite the haters. Carve out some time to speak to a mentor, or strap on the pro shoes and be a big sister for the next generation of fabulous ladies. Time is the coin of the realm of the heart. Spoil your loved ones with it.

Libra (September 23-October 22) When you're stuffed inside a pasteboard box covered in icing, and probably recently lit birthday candles; sitting on your ankles without poking your stilettos in your ass, which is as barely covered as the rest of you; waiting for the drunk cadre of investment bankers to choke their way through a phlegmy, cigar-stained rendition of Happy Birthday, you might think that your solutions are bent inside the cake with you. But no. No! Like you, some ladies think outside the cake! This month, I need you to kick down your walls, stomp some toes, and drop this mess in the bastard's lap. Exhibit your independent thinking and act positively and pro-actively. Don't make emotional promises right now. It isn't realistic or fair to your sweethearts.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) I know you don't like to bite your own tongue. Someone has been burning up your thoughts lately, and you need to drown that shit before the flames spread. If what you have to say and feel is genuine, put that mental composition to paper, and get that letter into the right hands. But make sure to keep private matters private. No one else needs to hear about your spicy affairs. Keep out of the tabloids for the sake of your career!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 20) Words of wisdom regarding love and travel; don't get married on vacation, and, love finds you when you aren't looking. For you, this means adventure and romance await! You'll find love in the strangest places. So go poking around in them! Put in some effort to gain perspective and you won't waste your time.

Capricorn (December 21-January 20) Your desires run hot and deep. Don't think you are quenchable, darling! What doesn't make you happy now will make you miserable later. Give your life a TSA frisking and see if any dangerous nail-clippers are bulging in that secret pocket. If your life isn't secure, and you aren't contented, then do something about it! Someone you trust gave you some advice. Take it, and give it a chance to work.

Aquarius (January 21-February 18) Balance is a rough gig. Keeping life up, in motion and fabulous, in those heels, can be tricky. Pulling it all off like you do takes regular maintenance, and this month you should give yourself a personal audit. Tidy up your finances, take yourself to the doctor, get yourself on solid footing. Now is not the time to dip your toe into job politics. Find a reliable candidate to back instead.

Pisces (February 18-March 20) Neat morals are dangerous morals, so don't let yourself be influenced by jargon and soundbite logic. The hard road is often the right one for you to take. But don't go swapping into sensible shoes just yet, Rosie. Those mountains are molehills, entirely navigable if you are paying attention. There is good advice all around you. Due consideration is due, but make your own choice.

Whorescopes September 2012

Aries (March 21-April 20): Richard Carlson says "Don't sweat the small stuff." He's a dick. Mercury is in retrograde and all of your small stuff is going to fuck up. Remember when you mastered the double Q-tip application method for those fancy eyelashes? Plan out your route to the emergency room now, because sooner or later you're going to stab yourself in the face. Dick ain't wrong in the rest of that title, "and it's all small stuff." So learn to juggle, Hillary, because soon you'll have more balls in the air than you'll know what to do with.

Taurus (April 21-May 21): You don't often need an excuse to focus on yourself and your own unique way of expressing your freedom. But you have one now! Mercury is in retrograde for the next three months, and your horned self needs to take the seasonal opportunity to reflect inward. So give yourself a show, try out those ridiculous doorknocker pasties, and spend some effort determining why your favorite ice cream is obnoxiously superior to all others. Go ahead and evaluate your friends, too, but keep an arms-length on other people's drama.

Gemini (May 23- June 20): There is a reason you're checking out job offers and housing values in other states, your dreams are filling with yesterday and your thoughts wanton with nostalgia. Today just doesn't seem as real to you. And while we all want to be the winsome starlet pining for a simper life, RIGHT NOW can come stomping right the hell into your dressing room and wreck up all your photos and mementos. Instead of scrubbing boot prints off your organza peignoir, track down the reason why your past needs to be present.

Cancer (June 21-July 20): Hear that wub-wub-wub sound? That's not dub-step, it's Mercury rotating ass-backwards and screwing with you. Sorry, chickadee, but you're doing to have a hell of a time getting settled or relaxed for a while. The next three months or so are going to be like a quick-changing on a roller coaster or speed-dating in New York; fast, loud, chaffing and hell on your eyeliner. But at the end of it all, unlike rough rides and bad dates, you get a feeling of accomplishment that remains yours. And maybe an embarrassing photograph, too.

Leo (July 21-August 22): Baby, you are the IRS. Not just nosy and terrifying, but ruthless. For the next three months while Mercury is in retrograde, your life is going to fall under your own microscope as you audit your intellectual, spiritual and material worth. Don't be afraid, Caroline. There's a few years worth of embarrassing receipts to go through, (like your Kevlar and tulle stage,) but then you can throw them out. While you're at it, feel free to go poking into the business of your friends as they draw upon your own life. You might find someone's been dodging their emotional taxes.

Virgo: (August 23-September 22): Linda Blair's got nothing on the spin of your head during the next three months. Or, to avoid a pea soup metaphor, your curiosity is going to keep you awake at night and hungry for mental stimulation during the day. Nothing is really going to be good enough for you, but we knew that. Let this surge of imagination loose and get creative, get interactive, or get to a library. Otherwise you can plan on getting poked all night long and no headache is going to get you out of spreading your horizons.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Myself and a lot of the internet have seen more of you than most people prefer to have exposed. Normally that isn't an issue for you, but while Mercury is in retrograde, you might feel differently. What used to be the stage for your fabulous flair can feel more like the stirrups for your annual pelvic exam. Do me a favor, and don't look for flaws. Your agoraphobia stems from a need to consider your inner spiritual self. So chase the big Ohm, and keep a towel handy. No one can see your cards.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Get an umbrella. Or a security blanket, a really big hat, or whatever helps you feel safer about the sky falling. It isn't, I promise. Diamonds might be a girl's best friend, but the lass may need a lawyer, or possibly an accountant. Double-checking your numbers, investments, taxes, budgets, all of it is a good idea right now. You will feel better for patching any leaks in your financial roof. This should leave you time to make an erotic fan dance out of W2's and a lacy parasol.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 20): It might be time to change the act. You know what works, off and on the stage, and you've got a good idea about what doesn't. While Mercury is in retrograde being a jerk, take the shake-up as a chance to rework your own methods. Whether it's changing the bus route, the cup size, the toppings on your frozen yogurt, or the regularity of your grocery trips, review the way you handle your affairs and see if you can't make them better. But be careful to keep communication clear and protected. If something's going to go wrong, it's going to be because of misinterpretation.

Capricorn (December 21-January 20): While all my other little lambs are bleating about how much Mercury's retrograde is tossing them into the fence, you are fluffy and fulfilled and on all four feet. Most of the planets are chilling in your house of higher education, so it's time to be a smartypants. Get your academia on in the way that suits you best, be it taking a class online, finally perusing that bargain book about Uppity Women you got at the bookstore, or losing an afternoon reading Cracked articles. There are plenty of ladies out there who could learn a lot from you, too. Consider laying down some knowledge while you're at it.

Aquarius (January 21-February 18): Everything in the world led up to the creation of you, my darling. It's so easy to get trapped in your fierce gravitational well that sometimes we forget that you came from somewhere. So take a few steps back, (but not in those heels,) and climb around your family tree for a while. If blood wasn't thicker than water, then ask about the past of those who are your family now. The wide and wonderful world has a habit of stealing and repeating good material. It never hurts to take a page from ancient history.

Pisces (February 18-March 20): Just when you figured out what you wanted, and how to tell your adoring fans and thralls what it is, Mercury dropped the bass and no one can dance to that shit. Retrograde is going to tie your tongue up for a while. And though a lot of fun games don't require speaking at all, you don't want to mispronounce your safe word. (Ours is Snowcone.) Clarify everything, even if it feels like you are back on Sesame Street. Linda never spelled anything wrong, and she had to use her hands. You're really good with yours, so consider letting those fingers to the talking.

Whorescopes

After a long absence, Burlesquebitch.com is going live again in August, and once again I will be penning the horoscopes.
August 2012

Aries (March 21-April 20) Surprise! Party girl likes to party this month. The real surprise is all that good mojo from lifting your heels (and what apologetically passes as skirts in your wardrobe,) will buoy you up better than a pair of Parton Brand Inflatable Tits. You'll find your skills and your curves sharpening to deadly points. Watch out, Edna! These nips could take an eye out! A blast from the past might knock you for a spin. Take it on the sass or else those hooker boots won't be the only reason you walk funny.

Taurus (April 21-May 21) Switch to flats, honeybun. Because this ground's a knockin', and none of your old tricks will keep you from awkward, Charro-quality bouncing. But don't go sticking your head in any ovens or other hot, cramped places. The good news is that all that fancy footsie you just learned will swagger you back up on your well-turned ankles before you know it. Make sure not to neglect your money-maker while you're at it.

Gemini (May 23-June 20) You swing the body electric, baby! Everyone who is anyone gets their daily dose of awesome from the strike of your keys, the chirp of your derp, the cupcake of your update. Don't let your fanbase get all My Little Brony and creep your vibe this month. You derive more strength than you realize from your adoring audience. Keep a satisfying grip on reality, and your ass-kicking platforms firmly on the stage. This is your show.

Cancer (June 21-July 20) Chin up, chest out, and keep on strutting. I know it feels like that monkey on your back is slinging poo all over your scene, but you're tearing it up. No one fills those magnificent, if trashy, boots like you do. And Bubbles is doing just fine, so don't ruin your mascara on his account, either. This month, trust that your amazing skills will pay the bills and can cram it in any mouths you find yourself feeding on a regular basis.

Leo (July 21-August 22) When that hot mess with the homemade tramp stamp and the disappointing weave runs her skanky acrylics over your man's bicep, do yourself a favor and DON'T elbow-check the bitch so hard she's too bruised to lace up her pirate corset. This month, I need you to take a breath and count to ten before you unleash the whorricane. Your peons will thank you and your peers will recognize your depth. You might even throw a hand or two, just to learn how all those losers feel.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) Leaving your past behind you isn't easy with all those incriminating photos floating around. But if you can give up on some of the emotional matched luggage you've been hauling around, this month could be more enlightening than you expected. Sure, vengeance is best served cold. But who wants to hump a steamer trunk full of shoulder pads, leg warmers and jelly bracelets into the twenty-first century? Leave the guilt, take the cannoli, and let's move on.

Libra (September 23-October 22) What comes out of your shapely lips is more important than what you wrap them around and swallow. So watch your mouth. Your sparkling words can strike a blaze among the various kindling of your social groups. No one likes forest fires, and everyone loses when trolls start trading jabs. Sleep on any important decisions you have to make. Your dreams might show you how you really feel. (Unless it's that one about the old movie house, the co-ed soccer team, and non-regulation balls. That one won't help.)

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) This month, you should be spending a lot of time bent over a desk. Also, you should study. You can have a buddy over to help, maybe a whole group! But also, crack a book and spend some time soaking up knowledge. Whether you are a Shades of Grey kind of book lover, or a dabbler in the non-fiction section, plan to patronize the shit out of your local bookstore, library, or torrent site of choice. Smart is sexy, and your adorable librarian look is always a winner.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 20) Does it feel like everyone is always picking apart your ideas, stealing your look, or just being raging dicks? That's going to keep happening, sorry. But you can change the game by taking a vacation from the things you hate and love. Stick out your thumb and go for a ride. Gain some new perspective by seeing the way other people live, love, and learn. Locals hold amazing secrets, especially the ones in Vegas, and you don't have to leave what you've learned behind when you come back.

Capricorn (December 21-January 20) Laughter is the best medicine this month. Finances might get tighter than Oprah's post-holiday waistband, but as long as you can laugh at her, getting those bills paid won't hurt so bad. Opt for the fun and silly umbrella when the horizon clouds over and starts raining bitches. You might be broke before payday, but that one-liner about Snooki's bikini briefs and two hippopotami fighting over a muskrat will keep you hilariously in the black.

Aquarius (January 21-February 18) Remember that moral compass of yours? No really, it's working. So trust your gut when the dial slides hard to the right. You've made it exceptionally far by listening to your intuition, so don't give up on it now. The more you pay attention, the better you'll get at reading between the lines you're being fed, and what to do about it. You might see through your best friend's concealer and the harsh blackheads beneath, so it doesn't hurt to take a step back from your pals now and again.

Pisces (February 18-March 20) Remember that New Year's resolution and the Dukan Diet? Yeah, me neither. But it's probably time to take care of that delicious body of yours, and that includes that hunk of meat in your head. Taking time for healthy body and brain activities isn't easy with your demanding schedule, but you'll thank me for it when you can crunch numbers like a calculator and situps like Taylor Lautner.

Sketchbook Project 2012

An Alphabet of (mostly) Literary Heroines (mostly)

A – Ayla, Clan of the Cave Bear Jean Auel
B – Beloved, Toni Morrison
C – Coraline, Neil Gaiman
D – Daenaryes, A Game of Thrones George R. R. Martin
E – Éowyn, The Return of the King J. R. R. Tolkien
F – Freyja, Prose Edda
G – Gurdafarid, The Book of Kings Hakim Abu I-Qasim Firdawsi Tusi
H – Hester Pryne, The Scarlet Letter Nathaniel Hawthorne
I – Io, Prometheus Bound Aeschylus
J – Justine and Juliette, Marquis de Sade
K – Karana, Island of the Blue Dolphins Scott O'Dell
L – Lisbeth Salander, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Stieg Larsson
M – Mina Harker Dracula Bram Stoker
N – Nancy Drew, Carolyn Keene
O – Offred, The Handmaid's Tale Margaret Atwood
P – Phèdre nó Delaunay de Montrève, Kushiel's Legacy Trilogy Jacqueline Carey
Q – Quartilla, Satyricon Gaius Petronius
R – Ramona Quimby, Beverly Cleary
S – Dr. Susan Calvin, I, Robot Isaac Asimov
T – Tamora, Titus Andronicus William Shakespeare
U – Ultima, Bless Me, Ultima Rudolfo Anaya
V – Vera Claythorne, And Then There Were None Agatha Christie
W – The Wife of Bath, The Canterbury Tales Geoffrey Chaucer
X – Xochiquetzal
Y – Yael, The Book of Judges
Z – Queen Zenobia, The Book of the City of Ladies Christine de Pizan

Womanly Metaphor, or, Eve and the Wolves

I fell off the train and tumbled over rock and dirt until a sagebrush caught me. Night had fallen and swallowed up the receding lights of the train up above. I stumbled in the dark and climbed hand and foot to where the solid track lay. I started walking, first as a means of reaching Reno, and then to keep the bitter cold out of my limbs. The snowfall started around sunrise and blotted the world. I fed myself a few mouthfuls for water, but my coat and hat gave up the rest of my body's warmth. It was the wind that forced me down from the track and sent me scurrying for shelter.

Somewhere in my mind, I knew I had to remember how far from the railroad track I strayed. But snowfall paints a monotonous landscape and all I knew when I found the jutting outcrop of stone was that I couldn't feel my legs anymore. Thankfully I forgot this entirely when I tumbled into a pack of wolves. They too gathered to escape the razor wind and excitement warmed the blood.

I ran. A lot.

A flash of gold broke the white and brown world I flung through, and I chased it until it turned into a coyote. With a sudden bounding leap, the coyote cleared a gap I had not seen, and ducked into a narrow fissure of stone. I made the jump and banged my head, but managed to crawl after the beast into what I assumed what it's tiny den. The wolves barked and scrabbled at the entrance, but could not follow.

I remember at least that much before I slept. The coyote had curled itself against my chest when I woke and grumbled when I tried to dislodge it. Light warmed the dark shadows of the cave. I tried to move about on my knees, but the hard stone chilled as much as it hurt. Walking at a severe stoop allowed me to approach the entrance of our hiding place. I blinked in the dazzling sunlight that reflected off the new fallen snow and waited for my eyes to adjust. The wolves melted out of the whiteness and I shrieked and fled back inside. I hid with the shivering pup for a long time.

Night fell again and plunged us back into darkness and cold. I found only a few animal remains and no fuel for fire whatsoever in the cave. The coyote cleaved close to my side unless I stood, upon which it ran in spastic orbits around me, yipping and laughing excitedly. I ached with hunger and licked ice from the stones at the deeper part of the cave for water. The coyote tried to dance over my head when I did this, and my face dislodged a few stones that set off a tumbling. The ground nearby opened into a rift and a gust of chill air brought with it the smell of water and scattered splashes.

The beast disappeared down the hole and I listened to the persistent yipping that echoed up from the deep and the dark. I retreated to the other corner of the cave and waited for it to come back. Which it did, eventually, after much barking and grunting. Emerging from the shadows, it laughed and shook a spray of cold water from it's coat at me. Wet and cold, we slept again.

In the morning, I waited in the mouth of the cave for my eyes to welcome the sunshine glow and dared quick glances out for the wolves. The coyote begged for me to stay. I slid in the snow a bit and floundered into the drop. I had just pulled myself back onto my feet when the first wolfsong howled from beyond.

Back in the cave, we chewed on the snow stuck to my misshapen coat and hat. The coyote took a mouthful of my shirt and dragged me towards the depression on the other side. I shook him off. I considered if death by starvation was actually worse than being eaten by wolves.

"Here, here," the wolves grumbled at the entrance. "We've waited entirely long enough, madam. Cease this rude behavior and come outside to be eaten like a proper lady."

"Oh indeed!" they howled. "You must come outside. We are quite famished. Have you any manners at all?"

"If you do not come outside, we must assume you are a woman of low morals," they barked. "What would your father say?"

I considered the sword cane gripped in my frozen fingers and wondered.

The coyote stopped laughing and came close to me. I stared down at it's canine face and listened as it whined. We were both going to die here.

I decided. The hole was dark and cold and wet and close. I crawled on my belly. My hands bled. I got stuck and I cried. I twisted and begged and freed myself. Then I crawled some more.

The space opened and I heard the echoes widen around me. Water gurgled and splashed.

"Well," I said. "I'm here."

Even in the endless dark, I could see my reflection in the pool of water at my feet. I stared back at me and recognized myself.

"I came very far to get here."

I knelt and reached for the surface where my reflection mirrored the grasping hand.

"Is this where I'm supposed to be?"

The surface rippled. I saw my face flicker, brighten and grow a nest of coiled hair, sag with the weight of shame, pale in fear, black with regret. I hollowed out, cored like an apple, the vital parts of me hiding far away, and then made of myself a vessel where the self was not. The honey of me poured molten gold back into the shape wearing my face.

"Oh," I said. "I am the goddess."

My hand seized hold. I pulled myself out of the water.

I still got stuck trying to get back up into the coyote's cave. It laughed at me when I sprayed it with water from my sodden coat. The wolves howled outside.

"The idea that you would remain inside is sincerest poppycock! Come outside so we may rightly gobble you up. We are hungry!"

Wolves are always hungry.

"And stupid," the coyote said.

"Listen, sir wolves!" I shouted. "I am so very frightened of your sharp teeth and angry growling! You are much too terrifying for me to approach."

"Ladies must bear up under such fear," the wolves said. "It is their duty."

"If you would take your company away for a short time, I would be able to come outside and fall into a slumber. Then you could eat my in my sleep and I would not be scared away."

The wolves grumbled and growled in predatory conference.

"But if we remove ourselves, we cannot keep you from running away from your responsibility," they barked.

"If you see me escaping through the snow, then I deserve what catches up with me."

They seemed pleased at this prospect. "Very well, good woman! We shall return once again. Sleep well!"

The coyote snorted. Once the wolves had gone, we rolled the sharpest stones out into the entrance of the cave and onto the snow. I arranged them quickly into a pile and dressed them with my misshapen coat, hat, and boots. The coyote swept my returning footprints clean and then curled to my chest to keep me warm while we waited.

It was much darker when the wolves returned. They stepped gently around the body of stones and growled happily to each other. A few snarled and traded positions before all disciple broke and they tore into the cairn as one. And oh, how they howled! Their teeth broke and their stomachs bulged with heavy stones. They flopped and cried in the snow, whining for their mothers to give them comfort.

My father's sword sang free of the cane sheath and I slew them all.

The coyote told me how to slit each throat and drink the warm blood for nourishment. Then how to find tinder, strike a spark off the sword, and keep the fire burning. What parts to eat and what to leave for the scavengers. How to scrape the hides and wrap them stinking around my shoulders for warmth. And then finally, which way to the rail road tracks.