May Burlesque Bitch Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 20)
No one plays hooky better than you, Trixie, but lately you've been keeping that elegant nose to the grindstone. We're all terribly impressed, as always, but don't let you're work ethic get in the way of your stress relief. Vent fabulously, not famously. If you're stuck at home, invite some friends over to share the fun.

Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Not that anyone is surprised, but you are shining like a star this month. Take that amplified charm and use it, Cutie-pie. Pitch those fantastic ideas at work, float that crazy destination vacation to your friends, or just take the more adventurous route home. Be ready to roll up your sleeves by the end of the month, though. Work demands attention! So does love.

Gemini (May 23-June 20)
This month may begin with you exploring the dreamier side of your imagination, and that could be accomplished by devout procrastination. The scales will shift and spill back into work mode soon enough, and you'll be super productive in order to catch up, and look good doing it. Give attention to an old friend.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Queen Elsa rocks the frosty ballgown and you can, too, by letting go this month. Shed unnecessary weight in your life, be it emotional baggage, toxic friends, or fashion disasters taking up space in your closet. Don't feel bad about tossing a bad apple. Feel bad about your aim, Hillary. You throw like a girl!

Leo (July 21-August 22)
Heavy is the head that wears the wig, your Majesty. You've shouldered a lot of responsibility, and this month might find you ready to tag in an acting regent. Don't feel bad about delegating to good people and lightening your load. Teamwork is fun and sharing the glory is still glorious.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Taking a sharp left onto the road less traveled is all fun and games until you have to pick a lane. This month is about discovery, not limitations. You could gain a clear sense of what truly appeals to you. From there, it's up to you, Sweet-cheeks. Family and friends are always worth an investment of time.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Obsession sweeps you away this month with a mystery to solve. Playing detective can consume you, so play it smart and be cool. No one really likes a meddling kid, so snoop carefully, Luvie. The best way to get over something is to sleep on it, of course. Answers have a stupid habit of showing up when you aren't looking.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
When red flags start waving, watch for horns. Your instincts are pretty good, and when someone in your life tickles your spidey senses, it's worth investigating. Be smart, and then be wise. Some “crimes” might not be worth writing someone off for life. Mercy is a way to love, but don't be a chumpette.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Honesty is the best policy with facts, not opinions. Sugarlips, don't you confuse the two, because you got some beastly editorials up in that pretty head of yours. Be certain you are giving facts as truthfully as you know them. Your word is worth something, and you better believe it!

Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
You can be a romantic and a realist, darling. It's all a matter of timing. Enjoy the dreamy parts of this month to their fullest. Just be ready to shed the rose-colored glasses and lace on those stylish yet sensible shoes when the time comes. You might have to practice the quick-change Superwoman style. (Please don't get naked in a phone booth. Not classy.)

Aquarius (January 21-February 18)
Bunny slippers and blanket forts are the norm sometimes, even for the edgiest of Aquarians. Take the time you need this month for homebody self-love. Don't worry. You'll be back up and stomping about like a Glamazon soon enough. If you get stuck in yoga pants, call for back-up. Your friends can help coax you back into the real world.

Pisces (February 18-March 20)
Give as good as you can take, Penelope, because relationships are about reciprocity. You might notice the scales have swung out of balance this month. Make sure you aren't ignoring your friends in the effort to widen your personal network. Take some time to invest in your BFFs.

Belated April Burlesque Bitch Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 20)
Your desire for independence could leave you at odds with a loved one this month.  Assure your friends you're not dropping them like a sack of unmentionables.  It's just time to invest in “me, myself, and I.”  Time alone will help you work out any conflicts between head and heart. 

Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Give yourself a gag order, Tanya.  You could be alarmingly close to spilling someone else's beans.  Sure, it's fun to blab, but you never know who is trustworthy with such delicious deets.   Keeping your mouth shut invites other to fill the silence.  You could snatch even more juicy tidbits this way. 

Gemini (May 23-June 20)
Check in with your team at work to see if there’s more they need from you, Lucille. Some hidden frustration could be revealed.  Your willingness to talk it out will dissipate the tension.  And it always looks good to ask for ways to rock socks in the workplace.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Your clear vision and enthusiasm is inspiring, but you might be reducing your teammates to mere minions.  Get your control-freak on and you might wind up finishing this mission alone.  It's lonely at the top, and who wants that? 

Leo (July 21-August 22)
I hate to break this to you, Kitty, but love does mean having to say you are sorry.  A lot!  So even if it isn't your place to apologize FIRST, go ahead and take both responsibility and the initiative.  Admitting it takes two to tangle a tango instead of pointing acrylic nails will do wonders to mend a relationship.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Keep a notebook handy to track your musings, Penny.  Don’t let your practical side shoot down crazy, entrepreneurial ideas.  At least not before taking the time to research them.  Be creative with the mundane and turn your world to better balance yourself.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
This month finds you amorous and ambitious, but be cautious in approaching love with a cutthroat strategy.  Those lady-cajones might kick ass in the workplace, but this kind of surge could short-circuit a relationship.  Shred the list of “21 Things I'm Seeking in a Lover” and enjoy the unfolding mystery of a fellow human being.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
That's one fine ass-groove you've settled into.  Change your scenery, dollface.  Ditch picking up take-out and adventure to a quaint bistro or that hole-in-the-wall you've been meaning to try.  Go for a walk, jump in a lake, shake up your routine.  If it's really all that bad, at least you can appreciate that couch when you get back.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 20) 
You've never been all that great at keeping your pretty mouth shut.  Just remember, some secrets aren't meant for a general audience.  Let someone else drop the scandal to a slavering audience this month.  Better to avoid the tangled gossip grapevine. 

Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
If you’ve tapped your friends for favors one too many times, you could be faced with a tough choice this month; hire someone to help you out or scale back your plans to more manageable state.  Movers are worth the investment, and so are friends. 

Aquarius (January 21-February 18)
You are a social animal, Goldie.  So much so that you might not know how to go solo.  Sure, it's great to have a buddy to help with groceries, go to the gym, and hit the new pizza joint alongside.  Take a break from the dynamic duo and give the solitary act a try.  You might learn more about yourself than you thought.

Pisces (February 18-March 20)
Chill out, Lola.  You've got a bright, beautiful bossy streak.  Sure, you could strongarm people into giving you your way, but if the end result is a fleet of unhappy “villagers,” you could be setting yourself up for a fall.  Stop being stubborn and look for win-wins.