May Burlesque Bitch Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 20)
No one plays hooky better than you, Trixie, but lately you've been keeping that elegant nose to the grindstone. We're all terribly impressed, as always, but don't let you're work ethic get in the way of your stress relief. Vent fabulously, not famously. If you're stuck at home, invite some friends over to share the fun.

Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Not that anyone is surprised, but you are shining like a star this month. Take that amplified charm and use it, Cutie-pie. Pitch those fantastic ideas at work, float that crazy destination vacation to your friends, or just take the more adventurous route home. Be ready to roll up your sleeves by the end of the month, though. Work demands attention! So does love.

Gemini (May 23-June 20)
This month may begin with you exploring the dreamier side of your imagination, and that could be accomplished by devout procrastination. The scales will shift and spill back into work mode soon enough, and you'll be super productive in order to catch up, and look good doing it. Give attention to an old friend.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Queen Elsa rocks the frosty ballgown and you can, too, by letting go this month. Shed unnecessary weight in your life, be it emotional baggage, toxic friends, or fashion disasters taking up space in your closet. Don't feel bad about tossing a bad apple. Feel bad about your aim, Hillary. You throw like a girl!

Leo (July 21-August 22)
Heavy is the head that wears the wig, your Majesty. You've shouldered a lot of responsibility, and this month might find you ready to tag in an acting regent. Don't feel bad about delegating to good people and lightening your load. Teamwork is fun and sharing the glory is still glorious.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Taking a sharp left onto the road less traveled is all fun and games until you have to pick a lane. This month is about discovery, not limitations. You could gain a clear sense of what truly appeals to you. From there, it's up to you, Sweet-cheeks. Family and friends are always worth an investment of time.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Obsession sweeps you away this month with a mystery to solve. Playing detective can consume you, so play it smart and be cool. No one really likes a meddling kid, so snoop carefully, Luvie. The best way to get over something is to sleep on it, of course. Answers have a stupid habit of showing up when you aren't looking.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
When red flags start waving, watch for horns. Your instincts are pretty good, and when someone in your life tickles your spidey senses, it's worth investigating. Be smart, and then be wise. Some “crimes” might not be worth writing someone off for life. Mercy is a way to love, but don't be a chumpette.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)
Honesty is the best policy with facts, not opinions. Sugarlips, don't you confuse the two, because you got some beastly editorials up in that pretty head of yours. Be certain you are giving facts as truthfully as you know them. Your word is worth something, and you better believe it!

Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
You can be a romantic and a realist, darling. It's all a matter of timing. Enjoy the dreamy parts of this month to their fullest. Just be ready to shed the rose-colored glasses and lace on those stylish yet sensible shoes when the time comes. You might have to practice the quick-change Superwoman style. (Please don't get naked in a phone booth. Not classy.)

Aquarius (January 21-February 18)
Bunny slippers and blanket forts are the norm sometimes, even for the edgiest of Aquarians. Take the time you need this month for homebody self-love. Don't worry. You'll be back up and stomping about like a Glamazon soon enough. If you get stuck in yoga pants, call for back-up. Your friends can help coax you back into the real world.

Pisces (February 18-March 20)
Give as good as you can take, Penelope, because relationships are about reciprocity. You might notice the scales have swung out of balance this month. Make sure you aren't ignoring your friends in the effort to widen your personal network. Take some time to invest in your BFFs.