After a long absence, Burlesquebitch.com is going live again in August, and once again I will be penning the horoscopes.
August 2012
Aries (March 21-April 20) Surprise! Party girl likes to party this month. The real surprise is all that good mojo from lifting your heels (and what apologetically passes as skirts in your wardrobe,) will buoy you up better than a pair of Parton Brand Inflatable Tits. You'll find your skills and your curves sharpening to deadly points. Watch out, Edna! These nips could take an eye out! A blast from the past might knock you for a spin. Take it on the sass or else those hooker boots won't be the only reason you walk funny.
Taurus (April 21-May 21) Switch to flats, honeybun. Because this ground's a knockin', and none of your old tricks will keep you from awkward, Charro-quality bouncing. But don't go sticking your head in any ovens or other hot, cramped places. The good news is that all that fancy footsie you just learned will swagger you back up on your well-turned ankles before you know it. Make sure not to neglect your money-maker while you're at it.
Gemini (May 23-June 20) You swing the body electric, baby! Everyone who is anyone gets their daily dose of awesome from the strike of your keys, the chirp of your derp, the cupcake of your update. Don't let your fanbase get all My Little Brony and creep your vibe this month. You derive more strength than you realize from your adoring audience. Keep a satisfying grip on reality, and your ass-kicking platforms firmly on the stage. This is your show.
Cancer (June 21-July 20) Chin up, chest out, and keep on strutting. I know it feels like that monkey on your back is slinging poo all over your scene, but you're tearing it up. No one fills those magnificent, if trashy, boots like you do. And Bubbles is doing just fine, so don't ruin your mascara on his account, either. This month, trust that your amazing skills will pay the bills and can cram it in any mouths you find yourself feeding on a regular basis.
Leo (July 21-August 22) When that hot mess with the homemade tramp stamp and the disappointing weave runs her skanky acrylics over your man's bicep, do yourself a favor and DON'T elbow-check the bitch so hard she's too bruised to lace up her pirate corset. This month, I need you to take a breath and count to ten before you unleash the whorricane. Your peons will thank you and your peers will recognize your depth. You might even throw a hand or two, just to learn how all those losers feel.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) Leaving your past behind you isn't easy with all those incriminating photos floating around. But if you can give up on some of the emotional matched luggage you've been hauling around, this month could be more enlightening than you expected. Sure, vengeance is best served cold. But who wants to hump a steamer trunk full of shoulder pads, leg warmers and jelly bracelets into the twenty-first century? Leave the guilt, take the cannoli, and let's move on.
Libra (September 23-October 22) What comes out of your shapely lips is more important than what you wrap them around and swallow. So watch your mouth. Your sparkling words can strike a blaze among the various kindling of your social groups. No one likes forest fires, and everyone loses when trolls start trading jabs. Sleep on any important decisions you have to make. Your dreams might show you how you really feel. (Unless it's that one about the old movie house, the co-ed soccer team, and non-regulation balls. That one won't help.)
Scorpio (October 23-November 21) This month, you should be spending a lot of time bent over a desk. Also, you should study. You can have a buddy over to help, maybe a whole group! But also, crack a book and spend some time soaking up knowledge. Whether you are a Shades of Grey kind of book lover, or a dabbler in the non-fiction section, plan to patronize the shit out of your local bookstore, library, or torrent site of choice. Smart is sexy, and your adorable librarian look is always a winner.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20) Does it feel like everyone is always picking apart your ideas, stealing your look, or just being raging dicks? That's going to keep happening, sorry. But you can change the game by taking a vacation from the things you hate and love. Stick out your thumb and go for a ride. Gain some new perspective by seeing the way other people live, love, and learn. Locals hold amazing secrets, especially the ones in Vegas, and you don't have to leave what you've learned behind when you come back.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20) Laughter is the best medicine this month. Finances might get tighter than Oprah's post-holiday waistband, but as long as you can laugh at her, getting those bills paid won't hurt so bad. Opt for the fun and silly umbrella when the horizon clouds over and starts raining bitches. You might be broke before payday, but that one-liner about Snooki's bikini briefs and two hippopotami fighting over a muskrat will keep you hilariously in the black.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18) Remember that moral compass of yours? No really, it's working. So trust your gut when the dial slides hard to the right. You've made it exceptionally far by listening to your intuition, so don't give up on it now. The more you pay attention, the better you'll get at reading between the lines you're being fed, and what to do about it. You might see through your best friend's concealer and the harsh blackheads beneath, so it doesn't hurt to take a step back from your pals now and again.
Pisces (February 18-March 20) Remember that New Year's resolution and the Dukan Diet? Yeah, me neither. But it's probably time to take care of that delicious body of yours, and that includes that hunk of meat in your head. Taking time for healthy body and brain activities isn't easy with your demanding schedule, but you'll thank me for it when you can crunch numbers like a calculator and situps like Taylor Lautner.
