March Burlesque Bitch Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 20)

Don't be like spring. Spring likes to trail everyone along with promises of warmth and sunshine, and then dumps ice and snow on them. Dick move, Spring. Be yourself this month, and let your decisions come from calm places inside you. Lacking those, find someone calm and talk to them.

Taurus (April 21-May 21)

Professional decisions should not be made in an emotional headspace, Tina. Favoritism may figure in to your choices, and leave you stuck with a sub-par subordinate with merely fantastic hair. A proven track record is always a plus. Ping a pal from your past to participate in puzzling problems.

Gemini (May 23-June 20)

Open mouth, insert Capezio! While your prophecies might be right on the money, it’s your delivery that determines everything, (also lighting.) Put yourself in other people’s shabby shoes before you fire off a zinger. Be compassionate, so your important message won't get lost in delivery.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)

Don't make me break out the rubber bands, Crabcakes! When you get snippy, it's everyone else who feels the pinch. If you need space, be honest about it. Once you've had a nice steam, an evening with you is always delicious.


Leo (July 21-August 22)

You've been ruminating about the one, (or ones, or dozens,) that got away. If you're agonizing over texting the ex, just remember why you are apart. Because the minute you hit that send button, it's going to all come crashing back. A friend in need needs your attention this month. Cultivate good shoulder pads.


Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Mistakes are easy to make this month. Take the time to double-check important things, like company-wide emails or that sext to your old flame. Grammar flubs are one thing, but flawed logic is another. Make a last-minute read-through a must before putting your name and timestamp on something stupid.


Libra (September 23-October 22)

Haters gonna hate, Wanda. Don't them them hate all over your parade. It takes guts to be the happy one in the room. Strut and love it! Romance take some complicated turns. Trust issues are worth exploring before they explode.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Perception is reality, Lucy, and it’s up to you to decide how the month is going to shape up. Someone gave you a free pass one when you didn't deserve it. Be the bigger, better woman. Your heart distracts easily. Beware of shiny, handsome, useful things.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)

Creating that elusive image of style and grace will work to your advantage. Think more along the lines of Lady Kate rather than Katy Perry. I know it isn't nearly as fun, but there will be plenty of time for risque business once the press pulls away.

Capricorn (December 21-January 20

Brevity is the soul of wit, Mallory. Check those flowery metaphors, gory details, and arduous, blow-by-blow recounts at the door. KISS your problems hard, and don't be afraid to give them a good tongue lashing.

Aquarius (January 21-February 18)

Questions about where your life is going leave you digging through your past for ideas. It can be encouraging to flip through old photo albums or parse through those bags of old clothes in your basement today to make an old (and golden) version of you new again.

Pisces (February 18-March 20)

Information overload! Pushing yourself any farther could lead to a meltdown. Take time to integrate, process, and form your own thoughts about your situation. Or, put that matter in the parking lot for the day and give your brain a rest! Family can offer a touchstone for self.

February Burlesque Bitch Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 20)

Silver tongue and golden heart

Not always wise enough apart

Think before you speak, my sweet

Else toes to ankles you will eat

Taurus (April 21-May 21)

Small successes greatly please

Put your heart and soul at ease

Family time spent most wise

Sudden news won't surprise

Gemini (May 23-June 20)

A cancellation frees your night

Kick up your heels, steal the spotlight

Virgo offers wisdom great

Good news comes, a little late

Cancer (June 21-July 20)

Though a tough decision blocks your way

What's in your heart is right today

Give an Aries a second chance

To make attempts to breech your pants

Leo (July 21-August 22)

Mean what you say and say what you mean

It may be time for a change of scene

Get out of town, or just out of your clothes

Gemini keeps you on your toes

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Laugh at the hard parts, cry if you need

Strut through the red tape to succeed.

Your sweetie needs time with you to play

Leo and Libra add fun to your day

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Consider how big change affects your dreams

Everything is not always as it seems

A friend needs your understanding care

Even if she's a total bitch before you can get there

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Your opinions need voice this month, dear

An unfair situation requires wisdom here

Don't give in to a restless mood

Kick back and find a hottie who talks lewd

Sagittarius (November 22-December 20)

Your goals should be challenging yet fair

It may take some time to move here to there

Be patient with family, with Aries, and all

Then wrap yourself around something dark and tall

Capricorn (December 21-January 20)

A strange dreams hides what you already know

It's time to step in, take a stand, grow

Find focus through art, chase your zen

Forces are moving here beyond your ken

Aquarius (January 21-February 18)

Dive in to that project you've been ignoring

You'll find it easier, though no less boring

Keep an open mind with family spats

Don't forget how much you love those brats

Pisces (February 18-March 20)

Pop out of the box to solve a problem at work

Show it off to the boss, despite being a jerk

A bittersweet farewell will leave you blue

Positive thinking and love leads you true