Aries (March 21-April 20) It's time to (don appropriate footwear,) kick some tires and light some fires! October is a good month for burning, and you're a foxy firebrand dancing through fields of autumn cane. Puff-puff-pass, baby! It's time to share your blaze. Your closest and most intimates deserve to know how your heart burns for them. Trust those who tend the fires for you, and they won't let you fail. While conditions are ripe for wildfire, remember that storms can come up out of nowhere. Make sure you drop your sparks before that happens, or it's going to be soggy underwear and cold coffee for the rest of the trip.
Taurus (April 21-May 21) Plan on dusting off the old cricket bat and coming up with a kicky, new safe word. Because it's time to get out of the driver's seat, bend over the couch, and let serendipity happen to you. Be a leaf on the wind. Gusty travel and lusty romance await, but you'll have to sit bitch to enjoy it all. That which yields is not always weak. But, you don't have to be passive in everything. Tackle your monthly budget and see if you can smack it into giving up a few more dollars to save.
Gemini (May 23-June 20) Bust out the spandex, slip into some leg warmers and keep that bottle of Spray Net handy. It's time for your 80's training montage. But instead of just breaking another Thighmaster, you need to build up your emotional strength and spiritual stamina. Zen reps. Drop and give me 20 sutras! You've got ten rounds to go against a potential life-changer, and the fight at the end of this movie could reshape the franchise.
Cancer (June 21-July 20) You've got a mystery to solve, Nancy, and it's not about the password at Larkspur Lane (struggle buggy,) the Ringmaster's secret (gaaayyy,) or some old cock. Just like every Christopher Moore book, the ending is never as good as the rest of the story. Keep focus on communication instead. Don't let any one take the words out of your mouth, no matter the quality of tonguemanship. Speak for yourself and maintain your commitments. You are the best at keeping your rep perky, so do it!
Leo (July 21-August 22) This time, windfall won't mean an errant breeze blowing your skirt up over your head and your panties dropping in embarrassment. Finances will be changing in your favor this month, but not without scrutiny. Like dressing for date with your sugar daddy, translucency will win you the day. Be honest and honorable and you will have nothing to lose. It doesn't say doormat on your forehead. Use that lovely voice of yours when personal matters come up.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) Everyone wants to be in your orbit, Stella. But this month, one of those darlings in the crowd is going to be very important for you. It's not every day you meet someone who has keys to that door. Speak your mind and strut despite the haters. Carve out some time to speak to a mentor, or strap on the pro shoes and be a big sister for the next generation of fabulous ladies. Time is the coin of the realm of the heart. Spoil your loved ones with it.
Libra (September 23-October 22) When you're stuffed inside a pasteboard box covered in icing, and probably recently lit birthday candles; sitting on your ankles without poking your stilettos in your ass, which is as barely covered as the rest of you; waiting for the drunk cadre of investment bankers to choke their way through a phlegmy, cigar-stained rendition of Happy Birthday, you might think that your solutions are bent inside the cake with you. But no. No! Like you, some ladies think outside the cake! This month, I need you to kick down your walls, stomp some toes, and drop this mess in the bastard's lap. Exhibit your independent thinking and act positively and pro-actively. Don't make emotional promises right now. It isn't realistic or fair to your sweethearts.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21) I know you don't like to bite your own tongue. Someone has been burning up your thoughts lately, and you need to drown that shit before the flames spread. If what you have to say and feel is genuine, put that mental composition to paper, and get that letter into the right hands. But make sure to keep private matters private. No one else needs to hear about your spicy affairs. Keep out of the tabloids for the sake of your career!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20) Words of wisdom regarding love and travel; don't get married on vacation, and, love finds you when you aren't looking. For you, this means adventure and romance await! You'll find love in the strangest places. So go poking around in them! Put in some effort to gain perspective and you won't waste your time.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20) Your desires run hot and deep. Don't think you are quenchable, darling! What doesn't make you happy now will make you miserable later. Give your life a TSA frisking and see if any dangerous nail-clippers are bulging in that secret pocket. If your life isn't secure, and you aren't contented, then do something about it! Someone you trust gave you some advice. Take it, and give it a chance to work.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18) Balance is a rough gig. Keeping life up, in motion and fabulous, in those heels, can be tricky. Pulling it all off like you do takes regular maintenance, and this month you should give yourself a personal audit. Tidy up your finances, take yourself to the doctor, get yourself on solid footing. Now is not the time to dip your toe into job politics. Find a reliable candidate to back instead.
Pisces (February 18-March 20) Neat morals are dangerous morals, so don't let yourself be influenced by jargon and soundbite logic. The hard road is often the right one for you to take. But don't go swapping into sensible shoes just yet, Rosie. Those mountains are molehills, entirely navigable if you are paying attention. There is good advice all around you. Due consideration is due, but make your own choice.
