Taurus (April 21-May 21): You don't often need an excuse to focus on yourself and your own unique way of expressing your freedom. But you have one now! Mercury is in retrograde for the next three months, and your horned self needs to take the seasonal opportunity to reflect inward. So give yourself a show, try out those ridiculous doorknocker pasties, and spend some effort determining why your favorite ice cream is obnoxiously superior to all others. Go ahead and evaluate your friends, too, but keep an arms-length on other people's drama.
Gemini (May 23- June 20): There is a reason you're checking out job offers and housing values in other states, your dreams are filling with yesterday and your thoughts wanton with nostalgia. Today just doesn't seem as real to you. And while we all want to be the winsome starlet pining for a simper life, RIGHT NOW can come stomping right the hell into your dressing room and wreck up all your photos and mementos. Instead of scrubbing boot prints off your organza peignoir, track down the reason why your past needs to be present.
Cancer (June 21-July 20): Hear that wub-wub-wub sound? That's not dub-step, it's Mercury rotating ass-backwards and screwing with you. Sorry, chickadee, but you're doing to have a hell of a time getting settled or relaxed for a while. The next three months or so are going to be like a quick-changing on a roller coaster or speed-dating in New York; fast, loud, chaffing and hell on your eyeliner. But at the end of it all, unlike rough rides and bad dates, you get a feeling of accomplishment that remains yours. And maybe an embarrassing photograph, too.
Leo (July 21-August 22): Baby, you are the IRS. Not just nosy and terrifying, but ruthless. For the next three months while Mercury is in retrograde, your life is going to fall under your own microscope as you audit your intellectual, spiritual and material worth. Don't be afraid, Caroline. There's a few years worth of embarrassing receipts to go through, (like your Kevlar and tulle stage,) but then you can throw them out. While you're at it, feel free to go poking into the business of your friends as they draw upon your own life. You might find someone's been dodging their emotional taxes.
Virgo: (August 23-September 22): Linda Blair's got nothing on the spin of your head during the next three months. Or, to avoid a pea soup metaphor, your curiosity is going to keep you awake at night and hungry for mental stimulation during the day. Nothing is really going to be good enough for you, but we knew that. Let this surge of imagination loose and get creative, get interactive, or get to a library. Otherwise you can plan on getting poked all night long and no headache is going to get you out of spreading your horizons.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Myself and a lot of the internet have seen more of you than most people prefer to have exposed. Normally that isn't an issue for you, but while Mercury is in retrograde, you might feel differently. What used to be the stage for your fabulous flair can feel more like the stirrups for your annual pelvic exam. Do me a favor, and don't look for flaws. Your agoraphobia stems from a need to consider your inner spiritual self. So chase the big Ohm, and keep a towel handy. No one can see your cards.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Get an umbrella. Or a security blanket, a really big hat, or whatever helps you feel safer about the sky falling. It isn't, I promise. Diamonds might be a girl's best friend, but the lass may need a lawyer, or possibly an accountant. Double-checking your numbers, investments, taxes, budgets, all of it is a good idea right now. You will feel better for patching any leaks in your financial roof. This should leave you time to make an erotic fan dance out of W2's and a lacy parasol.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 20): It might be time to change the act. You know what works, off and on the stage, and you've got a good idea about what doesn't. While Mercury is in retrograde being a jerk, take the shake-up as a chance to rework your own methods. Whether it's changing the bus route, the cup size, the toppings on your frozen yogurt, or the regularity of your grocery trips, review the way you handle your affairs and see if you can't make them better. But be careful to keep communication clear and protected. If something's going to go wrong, it's going to be because of misinterpretation.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20): While all my other little lambs are bleating about how much Mercury's retrograde is tossing them into the fence, you are fluffy and fulfilled and on all four feet. Most of the planets are chilling in your house of higher education, so it's time to be a smartypants. Get your academia on in the way that suits you best, be it taking a class online, finally perusing that bargain book about Uppity Women you got at the bookstore, or losing an afternoon reading Cracked articles. There are plenty of ladies out there who could learn a lot from you, too. Consider laying down some knowledge while you're at it.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18): Everything in the world led up to the creation of you, my darling. It's so easy to get trapped in your fierce gravitational well that sometimes we forget that you came from somewhere. So take a few steps back, (but not in those heels,) and climb around your family tree for a while. If blood wasn't thicker than water, then ask about the past of those who are your family now. The wide and wonderful world has a habit of stealing and repeating good material. It never hurts to take a page from ancient history.
Pisces (February 18-March 20): Just when you figured out what you wanted, and how to tell your adoring fans and thralls what it is, Mercury dropped the bass and no one can dance to that shit. Retrograde is going to tie your tongue up for a while. And though a lot of fun games don't require speaking at all, you don't want to mispronounce your safe word. (Ours is Snowcone.) Clarify everything, even if it feels like you are back on Sesame Street. Linda never spelled anything wrong, and she had to use her hands. You're really good with yours, so consider letting those fingers to the talking.
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