Burlesque Bitch Horoscopes, July 2013

Aries (March 21-April 20) Think before you speak, Darling. You've got better things to put in your mouth than your foot, (especially with the shoes you like to wear.) A lesson learned too late could put you in a sticky situation, and not the mud-wrestling-in-pudding kind. Budding romance blossoms over the weekends. Pinchy Scorpio is involved.

Taurus (April 21-May 21) Stop and smell the roses, Sugar, because this month the simple pleasures will give you the greatest joy. You won't be too surprised when you get the call about a breakup. That twitchy kitty Leo in involved. Keep your civil tongue in your pretty little mouth. Workplaces changes mean new opportunity for you.

Gemini (May 23-June 20) A Leo's decision will have a positive impact on your month, (unlike most kitties, who just step on your boobs and barf in your shoes.) Small changes make life easier. Virgo's earworm is food for thought. Take advantage of any sudden holes in your schedule for quality time with yourself and enjoy! Good news approaches.

Cancer (June 21-July 20) Brace yourself, Liza. A hard choice hits harder this month. Spend the time to make your decision, but follow your heart. Give an Aries a second chance after a bad first impression. A bossy Ram doesn't always come off as the good companion she can prove to be.

Leo (July 21-August 22) A twist in your story changes your attitude towards fate. Change up the scenery to help improve your mood. A weekend getaway can recharge your personal batteries. Gemini keeps you dancing towards the end of the month. Patience is a virtue, and an untested virtue is a wasted one.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) Just keep laughing, Dolly. You'll need that grand sense of humor to handle this month. A simple project gets bogged down in red tape this month. Tend to a budding romance with care and make the effort to do something special. Leo and Libra spice up your life.

Libra (September 23-October 22) Keep your eyes peeled, Darla. An opportunity will pop out of nowhere this month. Consider your long-term goals before you make big changes. Use your keen insight to decrypt a friend's behavior. Everything is not as it seems on the surface. Quality time with the family highlights this month.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) An unfair situation tops discussion this month. You've got a voice, use it! Your opinions and solutions could make a real difference. Restlessness could interfere with your productivity at work later in the month. Surrender to the moment, Ellie, and take a break.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 20) Set the bar at a decent height this month, but be realistic about your limitations. Being unfair to yourself will only lead to disappointment. New hottness can be a source for inspiration, so make friends with creative people. Count to ten before blowing your top at a difficult family member, especially Aries. New romance looks promising.

Capricorn (December 21-January 20) It's time to take that first fashionable step forward and involve yourself with a situation at work. Take a stand, strike a pose, and let your feelings be known. That weird dream might provide some clues about what's troubling you. Throw yourself into your art, Mona, and run with success.

Aquarius (January 21-February 18) That ongoing conflict with a family member can finally find rest this month with some mutual understanding. Dive into that important project you've been too busy procrastinating to work on. It won't be nearly as hard as it looks. (That's what she said.)

Pisces (February 18-March 20) Take a creative look at streamlining your workflow. When you find a leaner, meaner route, don't be afraid to share it with your superiors. This month might find you parting with someone close to you. Be positive. Bittersweet farewells will put you in a funk. Sometimes “See you later,” is better than “Good-bye.”