Burlesque Horoscopes January 2013

Aries (March 21-April 20) Baby, it's cold outside! Chances are you'll be stirring up some coals in your work. That's hot, but keep the mercury down for me, Cinderella. Cooler heads should prevail when it comes to your future. Cozy up to a trusted warm body for advice, if you lose your way.


Taurus (April 21-May 21) Resolve to be awesome this year, darling. Again. It's in your nature, so if that new fancy diet or awesome life hack works against your grain, drop it like a sack of leftover fruitcake. Your loved ones will know what makes you happiest, and the best among them know better than to get in your way. Not so at work. Keep that cunning tongue of yours in check until you know it won't get you into trouble.


Gemini (May 23-June 20) Roll with the punches this year, Stella. The better you keep your feet, the more people will want to dance along. Work will keep your toes tapping, and if you can stick the finish, the rewards and applause can be staggering.


Cancer (June 21-July 20) Family drama can't pack up and put itself away any more than the Christmas decorations will, no matter how hard you stare from the couch. And just like untangling the lights, stay calm, be strong, and keep a sense of humor. Once you've chased the last relative out and repacked the chocolate stash, find someone to love a lot and keep it up.


Leo (July 21-August 22) The instinct to take charge is part of you, kittycat, but keep that animal urge collared at work if someone starts to take offense. Take a passive tact in romance, inasmuch as you can, and let that special someone express true feelings. Roll around in that for a while, and purr.


Virgo (August 23-September 22) You'll find center stage more often this month. Stage fright might sniff around, but your organizational skills and general OCD will buoy you up instead of drag you down. Give yourself a break after a disagreement with a loved one. These things happen, and you are still awesome.


Libra (September 23-October 22) Resolve to try a few extra push ups for me, because those shoulders need to be buff when your friends come to cry on them. They don't love you for no reason, after all. Even if you quarrel, your pleasant nature wins through and makes you one of the nicer folk around.


Scorpio (October 23-November 21) Your determination won't go unnoticed this month, which is a great way to start the new year. Don't let up on that boldness when it comes to romance. I know it's not your favorite thing, but this month you might have reason to let your true feelings known.


Sagittarius (November 22-December 20) Secrets and hidden things can bring a serious buzzkill on your happy dance. Keep your pace and don't freak out. Your positivity can pay off when it comes to romance. Be ready for that certain special someone to make a move.


Capricorn (December 21-January 20) The Hobbit didn't need to be epic. But now is your chance to embrace your destiny! When opportunity for a commanding role opens to you, take up the challenge! Don't be an asshole! Also, be nice to your friends. It's okay to let them makes the plans once in a while.


Aquarius (January 21-February 18) Your sense of realism makes you an anchoring point in your worlds this month. You exhibit calm and provide a strong example, even if you don't know it. And that decision you've been wrestling about in love. Yes, it's time to make it.


Pisces (February 18-March 20) Kick self-doubt in the nuts. I mean it! Self-defeat is lame. You don't have to suffer this shit from yourself. A realistic look at finances will help you make good motions towards improvement. Pay attention to details, even if you don't have to. And if you have any holiday candy left over, get rid of it.