Braindump

Hopped up on Rockstar to keep me awake during inventory, I find myself surfing around the ole internet when I decide randomly to look at websites regarding divorce and remarriage. I should have found a divorce support website for women to address my own issues, but instead I merrily googled a few related terms. I clicked away at the results and found a lot of Christian websites discussing Biblical rulings of the whole marriage thing.

Wow. Adultery was a buzz word in my church-going days, but never in regard to remarriage. My father divorced his first wife because she cheated on him, although the crazy, self-destructive behavior didn't help matters. My mother wasn't allowed to wear a pretty white dress or have a big wedding when she married my dad, because the Episcopalian church they attended considered the event an embarrassment. And that's the issue I see bandied back and forth on the battlefield of the internets. Is it a sin to divorce, and is it adulterous to remarry?

To be honest about my own perspective on the matter, I don't give a flying fuck about the whole adultery thing. I was desperate to punch my V-card in college, and I spent the next ten years confusing love and sex, and not seeing much good in either. I married to bolster our finances, (and wasn't that a kick in the teeth?) and both of us engaged in sanctioned extra-marital affairs. On the other side of it, my greatest concerns regarding marriage are how to forgive the institution for my ex.

I find it astounding how wound up, and divided, Christianity is about divorce and remarriage. One website went to far as to declare that the institution of marriage was designed by God to "stem the decay of society." It is implied that marriage is not an act between two people, but a choice to embrace social responsibility. Thus, a married couple supports social balance, and divorce unbalances everyone.

Can I say how much bullshit that is? We as individuals, couples, and families are beholden to society to support it by being charitable, respectful, and loving. Marital status matters naught to your ability to help someone in need. Squeezing out children does not stabilize society. Raising them does. If you need convincing, go spend a day in the waiting room at your local Children Services intake office.

I realize I do not have the benefit of raising children of my own to add perspective to this argument. My marriage was a matter of two until it ended. Further, I benefited entirely from my stable, two-parent household, and consider it a blessing. But my parents don't owe society anything. Their marriage bore no taint from my father's divorce. In fact, it could largely be assumed that my father was better off not being married to his first wife, embracing the scandal of a second marriage, and making a happy, loving family.

Nope, my parents are not adulterers. Their union is blessed.

If you assume marriage is a vehicle for social stability, then it is no wonder alternatives to the so-called traditional marriage appear so threatening. Poly families, single parents, unmarried parents, gay marriage, communal family units. Why, if I was afraid of all that, I would find a way to make the Bible support my beliefs, too.

It is fair to say that there are a LOT of Christian websites and forums that do not support the assumption that remarriage equals adultery. It's a hot issue with much research, analysis, and conviction behind it. These are the websites that speak honestly about the pain of divorce carrying all the punishment one needs for any supposed sin. Further, the end of every argument is that God forgives. So if you think divorce and remarriage is sin or not, God will help you deal.

I don't mean to sound pro-divorce. I don't wish that pain on any family. But I do believe that people change over the course of their lives. Marriage based on love is subject to the whims of love and the damning effects of stagnation.

When my ex and I married, we were both young and struggling with the responsibility of adulthood. We married believing that we could face our problems together and, finding strength in our union, defeat them. But after a while, I was the only one rising to the challenge. I labored to keep us afloat and congratulated myself on my skills in doing so. Most challenges came from within, including his rampant spending and stalwart refusal to adopt a budget or take on the responsibility of separate bank accounts.

I could handle all that, I believe, if our sex life remained strong, or at least present. But it didn't, and he brought the same stubborn attitude to solving that problem as he did with our finances.

We stopped being partners. It took me a year of self-analysis and soul searching to realize I was running in place, wearing myself down a year at a time, and that the best thing I could do for my marriage was end it.

I don't wish that on anyone. No, I am not pro-divorce. But ending a bad marriage is always, always, always an option and God knows it.