Simple Cat

Merely stating that my cat is stupid does not give justice to the simple, moronic qualities young Fritz expresses. At just shy of one year, Fritz is clingy and crazy. As much as he is a people-cat and sleeps on my bed, helps me brush my teeth, follows me to the bathroom and hinders all bed-making, he is also completely enamored with the other two cats. Neither Ryoko nor Eowyn bother to encourage him, and not a day goes by I don't hear the rampaging of kitty feet down the hall and crashing through the stairwell, punctuated with harsh, angry hisses.

But this is all relatively normal cat behavior. Allow me to sharpen my point. Fritz not only loves people, he loves our stuff. Every night around one in the morning, I'll wake up to him leaping onto my bedside table and rummaging through my possessions. He's batted my jewelry under the bed often and made off with my birth control pills three times. Previous to prophylactic theft, he lavished my emery board with kisses. Wet sandpaper smacking is not the sound to wake to in the dead of night.

Before discovering my bedside table held all the good toys, Fritz charged the closet each morning and tangled in my dresses. We discouraged this habit as Fritz also exhibited the freedom of pissing on our clothes, blankets, pillows and once the dining room chair. Most of that is, ah, out of his system. But we must be vigilant ere he surprise us. Just the other night, Martin sought rest downstairs during a bout of insomnia and woke to Fritz bombing his legs.

Obnoxious and persistent, even this is all par for the kitty course. But Fritz's fascination with my dresses, jewelry, birth control pills, and beauty supplies leaves me wondering. Is Fritz gender-confused? All his feline peers are girls, and hate him. He slings his pee about like a pubescent boy on a Ritalin kick and gets his jollies smooching on feminine hygiene products.

We tried to dissuade his bad behaviors with a water spray bottle, (ie Fritz Spritz.) And the little bastard LOVES it. Oh, he cringes and cries when we whip out the punishing bottle of fear, but then he waits for the hit like an anxious sub handcuffed to the bedpost who just called me a bitch. When I would hose him down from bed, the damn cat soaked up half the bottle before he bolted for the safety of the bathroom. Even when I hit him in the face.

If only that were the end of it. But no, it gets worse. The horror of it makes me shrink for the keyboard. I want to gather up my well-behaved girls and go hide under the bed. It doesn't matter. His long black paws poke beneath the door, clawing at my the dangling straps of my bras I've foolishly left hanging on the doorknob. There is no escape!

It was morning. I had the day off. Still warm from Martin's cuddles but aware of his recent departure, I reached to my bedside and brought over my high-end vibrator, (Martin calls it my pink, European friend.) It lives in the little plastic coffin it came in, which I believe protected it from Fritz's romantic investigations. There wasn't a cat in the entire top floor when I started and the gentle hum of tiny motors barely could be heard from the insulating rubberized plastic.

At some point the math broke. I can tell the vibration speeds from each other, and this wasn't right. Still closed up in my Daniel Craig fantasy, a thread of worry itched my awareness. That's not the engines, and I'm not the one moving it.

I looked down, and instead of James Bond, there was Fritz. Licking my vibrator. While I was using it.

The next few moments are a blur of motion, bedsheets, cat hair and screaming. Then a long shower ala Crying Game. Fucker left a tooth mark in my overpriced vibe.

My cat is either exceptionally simple, or a sexual predator. Is he planning on taking Martin out so the harem belongs solely to him? That may be why he darts beneath Martin's feet every time he's on the stairs. I wonder if he's planning on scratching off my skin and wriggling beneath it like the bedsheets he loves to play with/pee on. In any case, Fritz is a force to be reckoned with, or maybe just petted.

I'm hoping the kitty condo calms him down. Property ownership usually has that effect.